Cold Feet: Putting Your Wedding on Ice

September 4, 2009

coldfeet Susannah heard her groom say “I can’t'” just days before they were both supposed to say, “I do.”

“Since then,” Susannah says wistfully, “I’ve never been able to trust any guy since.”

What hurts the most is that she never saw it coming. “One moment my fiancé, Kenneth, and I were picking out our silver pattern, then he’s telling me that I’m “suffocating” him– that he needs more time to think things through about us.”

If Kenneth was expecting a quiet farewell, he was sorely mistaken. “I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying,” says Susannah. “When he tried to calm me down, I threw a new knife set at him.”

That gave Kenneth the excuse he needed to put as much space between them as possible, and never look back. Says Susannah: “For months, I avoided all of our usual hangouts, and our friends. They didn’t know what to say to me anyway, so it was easy for them to make excuses to stay away from me.”

When she finally got the nerve to go out of the house again, The first person you ran in to was Kenneth — with his new girlfriend. “That sent me back into a dark hole for another eight months! It just devastated me. It’s taken me a whole other year of my life to even consider dating again. I never want to go through that again, and I’m still not so certain I won’t!”

Susannah’s reaction is typical, says John Gray. While no one can predict how a bride will react to her fiance’s cold feet, John says, there are ways to keep it from devastating your life.

“First, ask him to clarify his feelings. That way, if he’s just having an anxiety attack, you’ll be able to talk things through, which is a better way of dealing with his uncertainty.” Then again, if he’s sure his feet will never thaw, hold your head high as he walks out the door. Better yet, says John, suggest he leave — or get out yourself while he packs his things. “If he’s made up his mind that the marriage is off, you don’t want to do anything you may regret later.”

In a few days he may call and say he’s reconsidered. If that happens, John explains, ask him to go to couples counseling with you. If he agrees to it, you may still have an opportunity to work things out. However, you should also be prepared that he’s set on moving on. If that’s the case, you should turn your real priorities to getting on with the rest of your life–without him.

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