Eight Mistakes Women Make in a Fight

October 23, 2009

As we said yesterday, in our article about “Eight Mistakes Men Make in a Fight,” arguments are a fact of life in all relationships. But one important way to reduce the number of fights that you have as a couple, and just as importantly, reduce the severity of your arguments, is to review this list and see which of these mistakes resonates with things that you have said or done in the past.

Both lists are designed to help men as well as women. This list can serve as a real benefit for women to gain new insight into the common mistakes that they make in arguments with their partners. So many men are under the wrong impression: that they are married to women whose behavior is unique only to them.

Have your partner review this list, and he will think otherwise.

It’s not recommended that you wait until you have a fight to review this list of common mistakes that women make while fighting. It can help any woman to reflect on what she could have done differently, and what insights into her own reactions she will have the next time she has a disagreement with her significant other.

#1. Raising your voice and using strong emotional tones: Being accusing, mocking, or sarcastic. Try to stay unemotional and resist these temptations.

#2. Using rhetorical questions like, How could you say something like that?” Try instead to express what you do like and accept. For example, “I understand and agree with that, but…”

#3. Making generalized complaints rather than giving specifics: “We never spend time together,” or “You’re not doing the things that you said you would do.” In general men do not respond to the abstract as well as the specific. Give examples of what he has done if you want to be heard. Give direction with such comments as, “Let’s plan a date to go out this week.”

#4. Expecting him to respond like a woman instead of a man. Saying such things to a man as “Why can’t you speak from your heart?” or, “You’re not opening up to me?” ignores the realities of basic Mars/Venus differences. Try instead to address a man as a man with comments like, “I understand that it is difficult for you to open up about this,” or, “I know you want to solve the problem, but right now I just need you to hear me.”

#5. Bringing up old issues to make your point. Don’t muddy the waters with past arguments and points of disagreement. Stay with the issue you are dealing with at the moment otherwise you run the risk of having your partner turning off his hearing all together.

#6. Comparing him to another man or how he acted in the past. This totally confuses a man. Comments like, “You used to be so much more affectionate,” gain no traction in the male mind. Try instead to make a positive statement and give him a model of behavior you want him to follow. For example, “I love it when you….”

#7. Expecting your partner to make you feel good, rather than taking the responsibility to feel good on your own. In this case a woman says something like, “Well that doesn’t make me feel any better.” Try instead to say, “I think I’ll take some time for myself and go play some tennis, or do some shopping, or take a walk.”

#8. Going on about a point of disagreement without giving your partner the opportunity to express his point of view. These are the times when your mate feels like he is facing a tsunami of issues without having a chance to stand up and explain things from his perspective. You’re never going to come to a satisfactory conclusion in any argument until both sides feel they have had a chance to express themselves.

This is the second of two articles based on a chapter in John Gray’s recent book, “Why Mars and Venus Collide.” Refer to yesterday’s posting to see a list of “Eight Mistakes Men Make in a Fight.” And check out the book for a complete list of fourteen mistakes men and women make in a fight.

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Time to talk things out? Read

Why Mars and Venus Collide

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Posted in Couple Communication, Marriage