He'll get the message-from both of you.
Parenting is, and always will be, a challenge.
Positive parenting — a clear message, with both parents in sync with it, and with each other — is an even loftier (but yes, attainable) goal.
Here are the five essential messages to give your child, that define the practice of positive parenting. Each seeks to reinforce your caring, trust, and forgiveness for your child. If both of you work to give give these messages, your children will grow up learning to listen and respect you, and to communicate openly with you:
1. It’s okay to be different.
The simple truth is that all children are unique. Each child has his or her own special gifts, various challenges, and individual needs.
It’s important to remember that all children learn in different ways. For example girls often need more caring, but too much trust given to a girl can be interpreted as your not caring enough.
On the other hand, too much caring will make a boy think that he is not trusted, and boys thrive on trust.
Understanding and respecting these unique qualities helps you to address your child’s individual needs in a more positive fashion.
2. It’s okay to make mistakes.
All kids make mistakes; it’s to be expected. Parents can help children to understand this by acknowledging their own mistakes and apologizing when appropriate. Children should not be shamed, or punished for their mistakes, not if we wish for them to grow-up with a positive sense of self worth.
Most important is to remember that children learn by example, not by lecture. Show them how you react to your own mistakes and you will create a positive model for them to follow.
3. It’s okay to have negative emotions.
However, parents need to create opportunities for children to express their negative emotions. Additionally, they should be expressed at an appropriate time and place. Positive parenting means letting your children know that their negative emotions are not an inconvenience for you. And, that they need not feel ashamed about these emotions. If negative feelings are simply dismissed, or upon a parent’s insistence, suppressed, those feelings will never be addressed. Ultimately successful people feel their losses, but they bounce back because they have learned to recognize, process and ultimately let go of those feelings. Suppressed negative feelings of today are tomorrow’s unaddressed issues.
4. It’s okay to want more.
But understanding how to ask for it — and how to accept the word “No” is key. There’s a big difference between a child whining or throwing a tantrum and a child that is negotiating for more of whatever it is that he or she wants. In positive parenting the desire on the part of your child to want more, in and of itself is perfectly acceptable. If the desire for more, that could be a higher allowance or two scoops of ice cream rather than one, is simply rejected out of hand, you are helping to create an adult that will expect rejection before they even have the opportunity to make their case. Many adults are like this today, and while they struggle with success, there is a good chance that they were dutiful children. Remember, the simple act of wanting more, is human. The positive message we can give is listening thoughtfully to their request regardless as to what our final answer may be.
5. It’s okay to say no.
But children must remember that mom and dad are the bosses. Just about every parent now and then fantasizes about their child simply saying yes and doing exactly what they are told. “Would you like to take ballet lessons?” “Yes!” Do you want to go to your cousin Susan’s birthday party even though you’ll be the only boy there?” “Yes.” No doubt that getting a “no.” as opposed to a “yes,” makes life a bit more complicated. But in truth, since our principle responsibility is to prepare our children for life, being able to say no and to explain why is an important lesson all children need to learn. We can always bend a child to our will, but positive parenting is about having the time and patience to hear your child’s issues and concerns. No doubt that you will have to override their requests now and then, but knowing that they can plead their case and be heard, can pay great dividends when our children emerge as adults prepared to live a life of their own.
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Other MVL Parenting Articles:
How an Empty Nest Can Improve Your Marriage
When Your Child Meets a Challenge
To learn more about the power of positive parenting, visit the John Gray library for your own copy of Children Are From Heaven.
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