Communication starts with honest discussion.
Last week, in the first part of this two-part feature story, we discussed why you need to discuss sexuality with your teen, ways in which to approach this difficult subject, and the best means of having an open and honest dialogue that can continue into the future.
In this concluding article, we’re going to tackle two essential, yet even more difficult, topics. The first is how to discuss some specific questions regarding sexuality, and the second is giving support and advice to the sexually active teen.
When it comes to sex education, your teens have many questions. Here are three of the more typical ones. In each instance remember to answer with candor, and to end your answer praising your children for their openness. And yes, remind them that your door is always open for further discussion…
1. “How am I suppose to know that I am ready to have sex?”
This is probably the most common question. The answer seems simple enough, but consider that unless your family is devoted to a particular faith that preaches abstinence until the wedding night, there is no clear timeframe as to when your child would or should become sexually active.
But in the way of general guidance, it’s fine to share with your child that sexual activity is often governed by such factors as peer pressure, a growing sense of curiosity, or sometimes simply a deep sense of loneliness.
Begin by reminding your child that it is okay to wait to have sex. There are many ways to be physically and emotionally intimate without engaging in sexual intercourse or oral sex. (Remember to use these terms openly and without embarrassment.) Prior to being sexually active, you can dance, hug, take long walks together, and hold hands, kiss, and touch.
2. “My boyfriend (or girlfriend) wants to have sex, but I’m not sure that I’m ready, what should I do?”
The first and most important response is that no one should have sex out of a sense of obligation.
Further, any form of forced sex is always rape, whether that’s sex with a longtime friend or a complete stranger. Emphasize the all-important fact that “no” means “No!” End of discussion!
Remind your child as well that alcohol and drugs affects your judgment and reduces any inhibitions about having sex. Drugs and alcohol encourage opportunities for date rape. It is also important that your child knows that if they are over 18 or under 18, and their partner is a legally considered a minor or an adult, sexual activity could expose them to legal penalties that they need to know about prior to getting sexually involved. You don’t want your 19 year-old son to find himself in trouble with the law after he and his 17 year-old girlfriend had a bad breakup and now she regrets their ever having had sex.
3. “I think I’m gay.”
A third common issue for many teens is confusion over sexual identity. At some point in their maturing process, children will often wonder if they might be gay or bisexual. What they need to understand is that they are just beginning to discover sexual attraction and those early attractions can take different forms as we mature. Most important here is to let your child know that your love for them is unconditional, and it is not in any way connected to their preference regarding a sexual partners.
Parents, another note: There is a strong possibility that your child at some point will become sexually active earlier than you would have wished. It is wise to be careful about your behavior at this time because you don’t want any disappointment you may be feeling to effect the healthy and open dialogue that you have both established.
There is nothing wrong with your saying that you don’t agree with their decision to become sexually active. But quickly add that you recognize that this is their decision to make. Now is when you must reintroduce the topic of safe sex and make sure that your child understands their options and responsibilities regarding contraception and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.
Remind them as well that becoming sexually active does not magically remove certain ground rules that you have such as weekday and weekend curfews, and private visits to their room from members of the opposite sex.
Finally, your child might not want to worry you by raising a concern that they have regarding a sexually transmitted disease, or some other issue regarding their sex life. An annual check-up with a family doctor ( if you are fortunate enough to have one) is an important opportunity for your child to raise questions and concerns in the privacy and confidentiality of a patient doctor relationship.
Sex and sexuality are important parts of the lives of humans, whether they are fourteen or eight-four. We all need to recognize and respect this fact if we want our children to flourish as fully functioning adults leading happy and well-balanced lives.
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Other MVL Parenting Articles:
How an Empty Nest Can Improve Your Marriage
When Your Child Meets a Challenge
To learn more about the power of positive parenting, visit the John Gray library for your own copy of Children Are From Heaven.
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