Dating Violence: Is Your Teen Safe?

March 23, 2009

Teen dating violence: Not a time for "don't ask, don't tell."

You’ve noticed that your teenager is constantly on the cell phone–to her boyfriend.

And yes, she’s admitted they’ve had sex. While this doesn’t make you happy, you sigh with relief when she assures you that, yes, she’s on the pill.

But you notice she looks away when you ask if he wears a condom.

And despite your insistence that he meet you, she always has an excuse as to why he doesn’t come around.

Lately she seems withdrawn and depressed. It’s when you learn she’s skipping school that you realize that something is seriously wrong.

When the bruises show up – bruises she can’t cover up – it’s time both she and you face facts:

Your teen is in an abusive relationship.

BY THE NUMBERS

Unforunately there are no national statistics, but New York City Department of Health surveys show a 40 percent increase in cases of dating violence in the last decade alone. Some attribute the growth to teens dating at younger ages.

In any regard, here are some serious statistics all parents–and their teens– should know:

Nearly one in 10 teens in serious relationships admit they’ve been deliberately hit, slapped or shoved by a boy- or girlfriend.

One in three teen girls who are sexually active say they have been physically or sexually assaulted by their partners.

One in four teenage girls say they have been verbally or physically abused by their dates.

About 30 percent of all teens in serious relationships say they have received as many as 30 text messages per hour from partners demanding to know where they are, with whom and why.

Ten percent say they get text messages or e-mails from their boyfriends or girlfriends threatening physical abuse.

[Sources: Family Violence Prevention Fund; Teenage Research Unlimited survey for Liz Claiborne Inc. 2007]

HOW TO GET HELP

You are your child’s first line of defense against any threat. That said;

1. Do stay involved. The Claiborne study pointed out that more than 75 percent of the parents surveyed did not know their teen had been physically injured by their boyfriend or girlfriend.

Giving your child room to grow and make their own mistakes does not mean abdicating your role in their lives. Says MarsVenusLiving.com’s John Gray: “When the lines of communication are broken, your teen is at risk of being influenced by peers who are clearly out of control, or not a healthy influence. Remember teens will keep talking to you if you keep listening to what they think.”

2. Do ask questions. And be direct.

Look your child in the eye as you ask, “Is he hitting you?” They are afraid that you’ll be angry at them for making the wrong choice. In fact, the study also points out that 28 percent of the teens didn’t tell because they feared their parents might take away their computer privileges.

They’re also afraid that your response will have them ostracized in their social set. In fact, 27 percent were worried they’d lose their cell phones, while another 27 percent feared they’d be forced to break up.

“For teens, peer pressure is strong. They don’t always like what you decide, but they will respect and accept it, and they will appreciate you for it,” explains John.

3. Do educate your teen as to why the relationship isn’t working. Teens downplay the seriousness of the situation, the report said, because they don’t recognize abusive behavior for what it is, and they worry about consequences. “If they haven’t already, they need to take a course on date violence,” counsels John.

4. Do stand up for, and with, your child. Now is not the time to scold, or say “I told you so.” It’s time to say: “Lesson learned. Let’s move on.” Says John: “Children in the past were never forced to face and deal with so many painful and negative realities of the real world. Even adults have difficulty dealing with too much news about the real world. Adults at least have the capacity to interpret events more correctly. Whatever parents can do to protect thier children from these intrusions will assist their children in feeling safe, confident, secure and protected.”

WHERE TO TURN FOR ADVICE

- National Teen Dating Abuse 24/7 Helpline: 1-866-331-9474, www.loveisrespect.org

- Love is Not Abuse: Liz Claiborne Foundation teen dating violence prevention Web site offers warning signs, resources and talking points, and “Love is Not Abuse” curriculum for schools, www.loveisnotabuse.com

- MADE (Moms and Dads for Education to Stop Teen Dating Abuse): Claiborne’s advocacy group lobbies schools and lawmakers to include teen abuse prevention curriculum in local schools; the Web site, www.loveisnotabuse.com/made/, includes fact sheets, tool kits and letter templates for parents

- Heather’s Voice: A teen dating violence prevention site, heathersvoice.net/

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Other MVL Parenting Articles:

How an Empty Nest Can Improve Your Marriage

5 Very Important Things to Say to Your Teen about Sexting

Helicopter Parents: Grounding Your Natural Instincts

Sex Education, Part 1: What Both Parents and Teens Should Know

Sex Education, Part 2: Answering Tough Questions

Your Child’s 8 Different Forms of Intelligences

The Five Essential Messages of Positive Parenting

Parents, Beware of the Feelings Trap

When Your Child Meets a Challenge