To feel better, write it down.
Today, in the second installment of our two-part story on communicating at difficult times, we will discuss the healing power you can find in writing feeling letters and response letters. We’ll also explore the role feeling letters can play in helping you move beyond your pain and into a deeper and more trusting relationship.
To start that process, write a feeling letter. This letter expresses your four negative feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and concludes with love. When we are upset we generally experience many feelings at the same time. To find our feelings of love the four levels of negative feelings must first be opened, explored, and then released.
Here are five things you want to include in your feeling letter:
1. Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with both love and understanding.
2. Start with anger, then sadness, fear, regret, and finally love. Include all five of these feelings in your letter.
3. Write a few sentences about each one of these feelings. Keep each of these five sections approximately the same length.
4. Do not stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come flowing out. Regardless of the hurt that you have expressed it is essential that you end with a message of love.
5. Sign your name. Then at the end take a few moments to add what you need or want. Write that as a P.S.
Next, write a response letter. Here it is important to express what you want to hear from your partner.
Imagine that your partner is able to respond lovingly to the hurt feelings that you have expressed in your feeling letter. Write a short letter to yourself and pretend that it is being written by your partner. Writing out what we actually want and need increases our openness to receiving the support we deserve. Additionally, when we imagine our partners responding lovingly, we actually make it easier for them to do just that.
And finally, share your letters. Obviously, that is easier said then done. Sharing your thoughts, even in writing, can indeed be intimidating. The person writing the letters is vulnerable and if their words are rejected it can be very painful. Therefore the person receiving these letters needs to be particularly mindful of the spirit in which they were written.
The inescapable value of feeling and response letters is that they give both partners an open forum in which they can share, hopefully be understood and receive support. The one understanding that you must both adhere to in following this process is that this is being done for the purpose of bringing you closer together and not driving you further apart. Therefore, the writer has a responsibility to be certain to end their letter with a thank you and a loving acknowledgment of what their partner has done to share and create a better life for both of them.
And the partner receiving the letter must agree to not respond in anger, but rather be open to hearing the pain their partner has felt and work with him or her to communicate about these issues honestly.
Our positive feelings of love can overcome any negative feelings we have at a particular moment. The act of writing and then communicating your feelings can create a deeper understanding and trust in your relationship provided you allow the love you feel to help guide you through this process.
All of this is explained in great detail in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, in Chapter 11: How To Communicate Difficult Feelings. There you will find sample love (feeling) letters, and response letters that are written on a variety of topics. Plus resolution techniques that will help you to use this letter writing process to its greatest benefit.
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Other MVL Articles of Interest
Why Committed Relationships Are Good for Your Health
Love and Marriage: How Big Problems Grow Out of Small Stuff
25 Ways to Score with the Woman in Your Life
Unhappy Marriages Are Bad for Your Health
Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology
5 Key Traits for Long-Term Loving Couples
Marriage Works. Here’s When and How
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