Dear Lauren, I want more than friends with benefits

Dear Lauren,

I’ve been hanging out with this guy for 4 months. He’s a fashion designer and writer so he’s always busy. Everything’s great when we spend time with each other. We do get intimate when we see each other and at other times we just hang out. About a month ago I asked him if we could ever be more than friends and he said he’s not going to answer that. What does that mean? I really like him and I don’t wanna lose him. In fact, I might be falling in love with him. Please help! -Cerise from Sydney, Australia

Dear Cerise,

He didn’t answer you because an answer might mess with the status quo and he likes things the way they are now. Little responsibility, lots of fun. And you! He gets to have you!

By asking him to be more than friends, you ask him for a greater commitment. I know it doesn’t seem like much to you but to him it’s enough to make him tongue-tied. He’s busy, he’s young, and he wants to have fun without the “drama” that relationships inevitably bring. He’s not ready for a relationship but he’s not ready to let you go either. Hence him awkwardly pleading the fifth.

At this time, he doesn’t have a lot to give to a partner. It doesn’t mean he’s being stingy or selfish; it means he has other priorities in life right now (like his career.) He fears that if he says yes to your proposal with the little he can offer, he will fail to live up to your relationship expectations. And he will fail to make you happy.

So you see, he doesn’t not answer you because he doesn’t want you; he doesn’t answer you because he doesn’t want to lose you. At this stage of the game you are excited to see him whenever he can make the time. The little he is able to give you is enough to satisfy and make you happy. He is a success. But the moment the friendship evolves into something more romantic, the expectations on him evolve as well. Suddenly you’re feeling sad and neglected when he doesn’t make time for you, rather than appreciate him for when he does. The dynamics will grow tense and the innocent joy you felt with each other will drown in the overwhelming tides of expectations and disappointments. He’s played the entire thing out in his head and all he can see is Doom and Gloom!

Of course, it doesn’t have to happen like this.

This last year I was in a similar boat as you are today. I met this great (if impossibly busy) guy and we became wicked close super fast. We tried on the Romance Hat (a cousin to Hogwarts’ Sorting Hat) and the moment it touched our heads it yelled out “Doom and Gloom!” We both saw how it could potentially morph our perfect friendship into something ugly and unrecognizable. Neither of us wanted that so we changed hats and decided we would be “best friends” instead. Sure we still want to jump each other’s bones, that part didn’t go away. We just decided it wasn’t as important as staying happy together. With Doom and Gloom off the table, we were able to fall in love, as best friends. And I hope to have this relationship forever.

All it took was a change of perspective to give me a happily ever after with this impossibly busy, independent, and unavailable man. Love is a beautiful thing and I understand that you don’t want to throw it away. You don’t have to. Shift a few expectations, create a few boundaries and you can continue to fall in love with him AND let him be who he needs to be at this time.

But be careful: sometimes when you are close to him and he’s looking into your eyes like you’re the most wonderful person in the world, it’s easy to think, “Maybe he’s ready for a relationship now? Maybe he’s changed his mind!” Don’t fall for a tacit understanding. Keep the dialogue going and the unique personality of yours and his relationship will emerge. Who knows? In time, a week, a month, a year, he might find he does a lot to give to someone and that someone might be you.

John Mayer may say, “Friends, Lovers or Nothing.” But I say, why limit yourself? I say yes to Love whatever package it comes in!

If you’re not capable of this kind of flexibility than I would say goodbye and farewell. You don’t want it to turn into something where you resent him for not being what you want him to be. Remember, “Mr. Right” is the guy who reciprocates your feelings and can give you the commitment you want. You’ll find him. It’s just not this guy, right now.

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Send your questions to  lauren@marsvenusliving.com. You can also connect with me on facebook.com/asklauren –Lauren Gray