Reconnecting with an Old Flame: Do You Really Want to Do That?

March 16, 2009

Old flames–twice. Recognize them?

Reconnecting with a high school sweetheart in a highly mobile society was not an easy task ten or twenty years ago. But in an age where the Internet keeps drawing us closer, finding an old flame has become a lot more doable.

In fact, in a survey of 1,300 randomly selected adults, Dr. Nancy Kalish, a developmental psychology professor at California State University/Sacramento, found that a full third of them would reunite with their first loves if they could.

Interestingly, Kalish found that when these couples do reconnect, it can be with disastrous consequences–particularly if one, or both, are currently married.

Some neuroscience research indicates, Kalish says, that raging teenage hormones can be stored in the brains of men or women as sensory and emotional memories. Early loves may be imprinted on the brain with the same power as an addictive drug. Therefore, when you encounter that same person again, regardless of whether five or twenty-five years have passed, those lustful thoughts we felt at the time come roaring back as we recapture “visceral feelings of being young and in love.”

The good news: Of 1,000 unattached couples who reunited after breakups which occurred prior to age 22, Kalish found that a majority of them married each other; and of those, 70 percent were still married after ten years.

The bad news: Real problems arose when a married man, or married woman, was contacted by an old flame. Many of these found the temptation to have a fling with their old teenage sweetheart irresistible.

Needless to say, broken relationships–and broken hearts–were often the result.

Want a blast from your past? So that you don’t get burned, consider this:

Reason #1: If both you and your old flame are single, sure, give a shout-out–but expect a different person than the one you remember to shout back. Guess what? Neither of you are sweet sixteen anymore–and that’s a good thing. So if you expect the same attraction or puppy love crush, you may be disappointed.

Reason #2: Yes, you’ve both grown older–and more than likely you’ve grown apart, too. If you’re expecting your old love to feel the same way as you about life, forget about it. You’ve lived such different lives, had different life experiences, and made different life-altering choices. All of these factors have changed you and your perception of your world. You’ll still have one thing for sure: a few powerful shared memories. And yes, that’s worth an hour in a coffee shop, but probably not the rest of your life.

Reason #3: Life comes with a lot of baggage. Odds are neither of you will want to carry the other’s. If either of you have been married before–and, say have children–your old flame will have to get used to sharing you with others. That may be more than he or she has bargained for.

Reason #4: If you’re currently in an unhappy marriage, you’re facing in the wrong direction if you’re looking to the past as opposed to the future. Instead, work on the issues that are coming between you and the partner with whom you’ve dedicated your life. There is a reason you were once attracted to your spouse. If you can rediscover that flame of desire, it is certainly worth fanning again.

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(*The old flames in the photo: actors Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. They met when she was 14 and he was 22, then married when she was 18–only to divorce six months later. Then they married again, when she was 31-only to divorce six years later.)

Posted in Romance & Sex