Dear Lauren, There is a girl in my class and some days she acts like my best friend or maybe even like she might like me like me and then the next day she’s hanging on another guy and doesn’t give me the time of day. Why do girls play these stupid games? What does she want from me? —14 in Marin
At age 14, girls are just discovering the power they have over the opposite sex. This can be pretty intoxicating for a young woman. She may just be flaunting her stuff because she can. She wants attention and validation for her flighty behavior. Even if she cares about you as a friend, the attention she’s getting can make her feel a little heady and it is easy for her to ignore how her actions are affecting you. She probably is not even aware of her hot and cold treatment of your heart. This is just the way of the 14 year old girl. She’ll grow out of it…hopefully. : )
Another possible layer to this situation is that she is interested in you. She may not be direct and ask you on a date or ask you if you like her. Instead she experiments. If you respond to her flirting, she likes it because you are under her spell. On the days when she is hanging on another guy, she is both letting you know that she is desirable to others of the opposite sex and she is hoping to make you jealous. Her logic is that if you are jealous, you must really care about her.
This round about way of getting information stems from insecurity. At this age everyone is very insecure. The smartest guy in the class is insecure because he’s socially awkward and he has absolutely no idea how to ask out the pretty girl. The prettiest girl in the class is insecure because she doesn’t look like the girls in the magazines and she might not feel smart enough to talk to the smart guy. Basically everyone is in the same boat no matter how they act or who they are on the social food chain. That’s why girls play these stupid games.
Now what does she want from you? I don’t know. You could be the guy she’s trying to make another guy jealous with. Or you could be the target. Basically it’s a whole lot of drama that you don’t need to involve yourself with. My advice to you depends on what you want from her?
If you just want to be her friend, tell her that her hot and cold behavior pisses you off. Tell her you appreciate the friendship you have but if she wants to be your friend then she needs to act like it all the time or it’s just not worth it for you. You have plenty of other friends that like you everyday.
If you “like her like her” then its time for you to play a little game yourself. It’s called “Ignore Her.” Be polite, do not be rude. just ignore her. Smile and walk by. Answer her question but say you’re busy and you have to be somewhere. Don’t give her the attention and response she’s used to.
It will drive her crazy. If she likes you too she will probably have one of her friends tell you that she does or maybe ask you how you feel about her. Fourteen year old girls usually don’t do they’re own research. They send scouts. Tell her friend nothing! Just go ask her out. Say “I’d like to take you out to dinner this weekend. What’s a good night?” It’ll be sexy as hell.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Lauren Gray is our newest MarsVenusLiving columnist.
Her column will appear weekly, on Saturdays.
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Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again
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Tired of Flirting? Must Be Time to Get Serious.
Hi Lauren,
You’d gave a good advice. Yup. Let’s be straight forward. Just tell what i want her to be. Clear Cut! No games. That’s the checkmate!