Eating disorders affect everyone, not just celebrities.
Dear Lauren, I’ve had a female friend for three years now. A year ago we went on a few dates but they were a little awkward due to the fact that we worked together. We’ve stayed in touch since she moved to another town but when I finally got the guts to tell her that I had feelings for her she told me that she’s nuts and doesn’t think that she can be with anyone. She told me that she does have feelings for me and her friends also told me that she does.
She has eating disorder issues and I helped take her mind off things when she was in rehab for that. She tells me now that she misses me and that she likes to hear my voice on the phone but when we make plans to go out something always comes up. She also has a history of abusive/worthless boyfriends. She’s 22 and I’m twenty-eight. —Any Advice Welcomed
Dear Mr. Any Advice,
She must be a very special lady for you to care so much about her. And hey, another time, another place and it could have been a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, I agree with her. The lifestyle she is living right now is not a healthy one, and she needs to figure herself out before she can share her heart with anyone.
When a woman has a history of abusive boyfriends, it means that she has low self-esteem. She attracts people who treat her poorly because that’s all she feels she deserves. If you do not love yourself then you can never feel worthy of love until you do.
You’re different from those guys though. You treat her well. You want to take care of her. You made her feel happy in rehab when she was at her lowest and most vulnerable. Unfortunately, she is incapable of true happiness because she is dissatisfied in herself. You are but a Band-Aid to her internal pain and dissatisfaction. For a man, making a woman happy is the ultimate. It’s how he judges his success. Without success he will become frustrated, confused, resentful and angry.
Right now she is the damsel in distress. This is a classic romantic fantasy…you can swoop in and save her! Right?
Sadly…wrong. The reality is that she cannot be saved by anyone but herself.
You are not the first man to be seduced by the damsel in distress. You are in the company of great men like robin hood, prince charming, and paul mccartney…In the story books he wins the girl and they live happily ever after. A big fat 3 months later the problems with the princess start to emerge. No matter how many breakfasts in bed he cooks, songs he writes, dragons he slays…she will always find something to complain about. Im sure you can already relate to this statement. You look at her and see something beautiful…she looks in the mirror at the same person and sees something fat, ugly, and unworthy. The eating disorder is not her fault… it is a disease. But until they conquer it, these women fall under the victim/martyr totem poll.
A victim or martyr is someone who finds strength and power in depriving themselves of what they want. They make so called “sacrifices” and when they suffer for it they can blame the rest of world for “doing it to them.” It makes absolutely no logical sense. But that is the psychology of the “victim.” Unfortunetly when you are the love interest of said victim…you become the world that gets blamed. There is nothing you can do; no amount of love and friendship you can give, to make her happy and whole at this stage in her life.
Its hard to let her go because she wants to see you and hear your voice. She has feelings for you and you make her “happy.” Unfortunately, she feels unworthy of you so she cancels your date and pulls away. Then she misses you and lets you know she’s not happy without you. Then she’s a martyr and cancels again thinking that she doesn’t deserve such happiness. This will go on and on and on and on. You don’t deserve to be caught up in this cycle. Its self destructive.
People usually develop eating disorders when they feel as if their life is out of control. What they eat or do not eat is the only thing they feel they can control. By playing into this cycle of hers, you are becoming one more thing she can deprive herself of and control. You are NOT a thing to be used. You are a loving, thoughtful, caring man with the best of intentions and you deserve so much more.
The irony here is that if you continue to pursue her, knowing all this, you’re playing the martyr yourself. Doing something you know will make you unhappy in the end for the sake of a noble cause like “saving her” sounds awfully familiar to the lament of the martyr.
Let her go. You will love again. She will learn her lessons and grow up. You will find and love someone new and when you do, hope with all your heart that she loves herself. Because only when a girl is happy and whole…can you truly be the knight in shining armor. And frankly I’d rather be Sir Lancelot in all my shiny armor then Saint Stephan-stoned-to-death any day. Good luck.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Lauren Gray is our newest MarsVenusLiving columnist.
Her column will appear weekly, on Saturdays.
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Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce
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Dear Lauren: Why Is the Honeymoon Over?
Dear Lauren: Yes, Shy Guys Can Get the Girl
Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology
Dear Lauren: Best Friend, Girl Friend, or Gal Pal?
Dear Lauren: “Does College Mean We’ll Break Up?”
Walking Away from Intimate Violence
Why Women Won’t Say: “I Love You, Man Boy.”
Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again
Reel Romance: 4 Date Night Films
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Tired of Flirting? Must Be Time to Get Serious.
What a great writing from you Lauren, once again I thought you surpassed your-self
!!! Wow, what a great advice. Sending you much success,
Mikko Kemppe
Thanks Mikko…you too!
i have a friend who has eating disorder, she was rehabilitated when she almost died.,,`