Hi Lauren, I have been dating my boyfriend for over thirty months and I would love to get married to him…and soon! The last couple of months we have had many arguments about him not proposing. He does not want to get married right now because he feels like he is not ready for marriage, feels like I am pressuring him, and that we argue too much (I think we argue a normal amount.) He does say he wants to marry me some day and can’t imagine life without me. I want to live day by day, but it deeply hurts me that people who have been together for far less time than us are getting married and starting their lives together. The more he sees me sad or angry about it, the more he pulls away. How do I let all of this go and just be happy? What do couples do when one wants marriage and is totally ready for it, while the other is resistant and doesn’t see it in the near future?
Are we doomed? - Kate in Kansas
Dear Kate, There is no universal timetable in regards to relationships. There’s nothing that says you turned 28, or 32 and now it’s time to get married. Or you’ve been together for five years so now it is time to have a child. There is no universal measure for how often couples should argue. There’s nothing that says once a week is okay, once a day is not. There are no rules. There is only you and him.
If you continue to compare your relationship to your friends and families; you’re doomed. No relationship is the same. It’s not supposed to be. If you get it into your head that it should follow some romantic-comedy formula you’re going to be very disappointed.
Now with that out of the way, a marriage proposal is a pretty romantic landmark. It can’t feel good arguing with him and trying to convince him to propose to you. Rather than being romantic, the proposal has taken on business-like qualities. You are literally pitching him the proposal. By pressuring him into proposing, you are sending him the message that the way he loves you isn’t good enough. He isn’t good enough. You are pushing him out of your life. However, with a little understanding and a little direction, we can fix this argument’s broken record.
Sometimes people wait for the train to be leaving the station before they get on. This is particularly true if they are from Mars. Stop by the mall on the last shopping day before Christmas, and you will see a host of men who were waiting to the last minute to do their shopping. Men tend to wait until they have to do something and then take action. Women, on other hand, start shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Recent brain research reveals that the emergency center in the brain of a man tends to react to big problems while in a woman, it reacts to lots of little problems. In practical terms, we think of all the little and big things that could go wrong, while men tend to focus solely on the big ones. Men are like emergency workers, waiting to the last minute before they become motivated to take action. Which is great, you know, if the house is on fire. But in the day-to-day living, oy! It can be a headache.
You are thinking “lets get married!” He is thinking “why now, when we could wait?” He doesn’t feel or hear the ticking clock. He is thinking everything is fine, why change things? After all, if it ‘aint broke…you know. Knowing all this doesn’t change anything but it can help you deal with this difference in perspective. You are not wrong and he is not wrong. Just because he does not want to get married yet, doesn’t mean he does not love you or that he does not want to marry you. From this perspective of acceptance, you can communicate your feelings without pushing him away or starting an argument.
What you want to say might sound something like this, “I realized that I have been pushing you away by being so demanding about getting married. The truth is I would not want you to marry me because I pushed you into it. I don’t want to argue about this and I have. I apologize. I know you love me and I love being with you. (pause)
From time to time I do find myself pulling away because I feel insecure and wonder if you are the right guy for me. Of course I love you and I want to get married. When I feel this way I start doubting your love and start pushing you away. I don’t want to do this. I am wondering if you would think about this and let me know what you think a reasonable amount of time would be before I should begin to worry that I may be with the wrong guy.
I know this is long, but if you need a cheat sheet, I have a trick. In the past when I’ve come up with a good speech to explain something tricky to my man, I’ve actually written key words on the palm of my hand. Keep your hand under the table or lying in your lap. This is only if you feel you need the extra support. Sometimes when we women start adding fluff to our speech, men stop listening.
This conversation will give him an opportunity to solve the problem without being seen as the problem. This perspective frees him to surprise you with a proposal without it being you telling him what he has to do. Always, with men, they need to feel that it was their idea, then they get to take credit for the solution. His coming up with the idea to propose marriage will not only feel good to him but to you as well.
__________________________________
I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
___________________________________________
Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce
Ten Great Places to Meet Your Soul Mate
Dear Lauren: “I Want Him to Kiss Me”
Dear Lauren: Why Is the Honeymoon Over?
Dear Lauren: Long Distance Dating
Dear Lauren: Yes, Shy Guys Can Get the Girl
Dear Lauren: His Gal Pal Has an Eating Disorder
Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology
Dear Lauren: She’s Dating a Younger Guy
Dear Lauren: Best Friend, Girl Friend, or Gal Pal?
Dear Lauren: “Does College Mean We’ll Break Up?”
Dear Lauren: “He Won’t Commit!”
Walking Away from Intimate Violence
Why Women Won’t Say: “I Love You, Man Boy.”
Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again
Dear Lauren: Cave Time for Guys?
Reel Romance: 4 Date Night Films
__________________________________________
Tired of Flirting? Must Be Time to Get Serious.
[...] Dear Lauren: Waiting for Him to Pop the Question [...]
[...] Mars and Venus on a Date: There is something special about every woman, but what makes a woman more special to a particular man is the special chemistry he feels for her. This chemistry cannot be created. It either exists or it doesn’t exist. An [...]