Your Biological Clock and a Man with No Sense of Time

November 23, 2009

Quite often a woman will feel the pressure to get married when her partner is happy to stay in what we call stage four of dating: intimacy. While she wants to move ahead to the final stage of dating, engagement, he’s perfectly comfortable remaining in stage four. In fact, many men are unaware of the importance of going all the way in a relationship by getting married. After all, he thinks he is getting everything he wants, so why should he risk the uncertainty of moving on to this next and highest stage. The status quo is working, so why mess with success?

Of course at the same time a woman may hear her biological clock ticking because she wants to find a lasting relationship and start a family. She may feel that time is running short for her childbearing years, or sense that something is missing in their relationship if they don’t get married. In many relationships men don’t realize the importance of going all the way emotionally by getting married; if they are going all the way physically, they are satisfied with the current state of the relationship. After all, he thinks he is getting everything he wants, so why risk it all by moving on to engagement and marriage.

When  a woman is ready for engagement and a man is stuck in stage four, at a certain point the woman will make the mistake of either passively accepting what her mate wants by denying her need to get married, or demanding that he marry her. Neither approach tends to get the desired result. As a general rule, men don’t respond well to ultimatums. Besides, how much real joy is there in seeing your partner buckle under pressure and agree to marriage?  Ideally a marriage proposal, just like a woman’s acceptance of the proposal, should be a free and joyful expression of our heart’s desire, not an obligation.

Fortunately, there is another alternative to giving an ultimatum or denying one’s need: simply move back a stage. Moving back with him into stage four, or going even further back to stage three: exclusivity. By moving back, a woman is giving her potential life partner a chance to move forward. In this way a man can gain the strength and clarity to either end the relationship in a positive manner or make a proposal of marriage.

But in moving back in the stages of their relationship, a woman would be well advised to do so in a manner that doesn’t place blame, but merely expresses her true feelings. Therefore, she might explain, for example: “Recently I have had a lot of uncomfortable feelings. I realize that I am starting to doubt whether we will ever get married. In my heart I feel that you are the one for me, but now I’m starting to doubt that. I do not want to pressure you into doing anything that you don’t want to do; I just need you to know why sometimes I am feeling distant. One part of me loves you very much and another part of me is not sure that I want to continue our relationship.”

In this example, the woman has suggested a problem and given her potential mate the opportunity to solve it. Men don’t want to be pressured into a proposal of marriage, but in most situations they are happy to have the opportunity to resolve a relationship deadlock. Men may not hear a biological clock ticking, but they know when their one true love is moving toward the exit. In most cases, it’s only when a woman steps back, that her man will feel the need to step forward.

You can read more about this topic in chapter nine of John Gray’s bestseller, Mars and Venus on a Date, A Guide to Navigating the Five Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship.

Posted in Dating