Ask Lauren: Cave Time for Guys?
June 6, 2009
Dear Lauren,
I’m 24 years old. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half. And I moved out of my parents house when I was 23, and never lived with any one before that. We were dating 4 months when we decided to move in together. But every now and then he will want his alone time. I sometimes don’t understand, because I feel like he is mad at me when he gets this attitude that he needs his alone time.
One example is a couple of nights ago we had a great day and at night he wanted his “cave time” I was totally acceptable for it, but I had this issue and he went completely off on me because I came down stairs and he laughed out loud asked him what? and he said sorry you’re in bad mood, I am in a great mood. I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad. So I asked him if he was trying to make me feel bad? He just lost it, and said that he needs to have his “alone time,” and that if I don’t understand this that we will break up.
He feels that I don’t respect his needs, and he is still upset with me, even though this incident happened two days ago. What’s going on? and what can I do to make it easier for me and for him?
~24 in Colorado
I love the way you phrased your question: “What can I do to make it easier for me and for him?”
Because right now making it easier for him is what’s going to make it better for you.
Cave time is not personal. A man doesn’t do it to spite his woman. You’re example of him going into his cave followed “a great day.” I’m guessing a great day includes laughter and touching and emotional intimacy. Intimacy stimulates the hormone oxytocin. In a woman, this hormone lowers her stress and gives her an overall sense of bliss. In a man, it lowers his testosterone hormone, thereby increasing his cortisol levels and his stress.
Men need time alone to do masculine things, like playing or watching sports, to rebuild their supply of testosterone. Testosterone does to men what oxytocin does to women. This is why he retreats into his cave.
Dad always jokes that if you want something from your man during cave time, it better be important, because it could be the dragon who answers. And dragons are notorious for breathing fire at beautiful innocent maidens.
I know I know…it’s one thing to understand this process logically but sometimes logic isn’t the only judge to be swayed. After a great day where you’ve felt so close to him and you are so happy, it can hurt your feelings to see him pull away.
I have been raised from a baby knowing about a man’s cave time. When it came to my first relationship, I knew what to expect, and I left him alone when it came to it. It did hurt my feelings, though and in my own little ways I let him know how it made me feel. Whether it was as subtle as a hurt look, or a one word answer to a question, or as abrupt as me saying something like “are you doing this to make me feel bad?” These might seem like small harmless things to us because in reality we are “respecting” their alone time. We leave em alone right?! What more can they ask?
Unfortunately, we women have an incredible talent for making men feel guilty. All these looks and passive-aggressive displays of disappointment do not go unnoticed. He notices. It makes him feel like he is wrong for needing his cave time, and it makes him feel angry that he is upsetting the one he loves. Men feel responsible for their woman’s happiness. It’s not their job but that’s the reality. He sees you are not happy with him pulling away and it makes him feel worse. Thereby stressing him out and extending his cave time.
There is no set time for a man to be in his cave. Sometimes it’s an hour. Sometimes it’s a week. He could be holding on to this single misunderstanding as a way to create distance between you because on some level it means he has a legit excuse for cave time.
My advice is to take action. Hanging on his mood swings, trying to understand his strange Martian habits is exhausting. Make a plan to go away for a weekend, longer is better if you can. Spend a few days at a friend’s house. Pamper yourself with facials and petticures and chick flicks. Get your own oxytocin levels up, relax and make yourself happy.
Before you go on this little adventure, clue him in so he doesn’t feel ditched or “punished.” Ever so casually with a big smile on your face, completely ignoring is funk, let him know that your friend has invited you over for a few days, you’re really excited about it, and that you’re all packed up. Give him a kiss and smile so he knows “this has nothing to do with him” and leave.
When you return, let your well-earned happiness seep through every pore. This will be extremely attractive to him and he will come to you.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Lauren Gray is our newest MarsVenusLiving columnist.
Her column will appear weekly, on Saturdays.
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Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus
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July 4th, 2009 at 8:37 AM
[...] Dear Lauren: Cave Time for Guys? [...]
July 24th, 2009 at 3:11 AM
Dear Lauren
I just read these articles on relationship problems and i would like to ask you something.You said that guys need their cave time. I completely agree with that but my point is how can you find out if a guy is actually showing symptoms that he is over you and is falling out of love or he is asking for some space only and how to let your guy enjoy his cave time if you are in a long distance relationship and haven’t seem each other since two years …how to make an emotionally dead boyfriend love n respect you the way he used to before ?
August 1st, 2009 at 10:21 PM
Great question! I’ve written a column on it and it should be published in the next couple weeks.
November 13th, 2009 at 7:39 AM
Dear Lauren, just red your replies to Cave times for Guys and Long Distance dating… and would like to ask you for advise about something similar… in my case I was told by the guy I was seeing that he is interested in a serious relationship with me…he was the one taking this initiative… we have for almost a year had more of a friendship relationship (seeing each other only occasionally since we live in different cities) until he popped this question during a chat online… since there is a 10 years age difference I asked him if he sees any issues with this (in his opinion and this is all he said during the conversation,he had no issues with it – he also said he has never met anyone like me and that he really likes me etc…)…. now I said ok, let us see what the future brings and we decided we would meet…
But then I never heard from him. I sent a short message when I was in his region for another visit, saying we could meet but no response until he sent me a message a couple of days later saying he is very busy, and that it will be like that for a while and that he hopes I am not mad at him about this but that he is sorry that it happened…and that he hopes I enjoy my stay…!???
I did not know what to say….since it felt like he had second thoughts, and maybe he was revising the age difference too and decided to draw a line or take some cave time, I never responded…
He has not contacted me since then, has been weeks now…in the meantime I have gone out but I seem not to get him of my mind ….this sudden change got me confused and I am wondering if this a classic case of a cave or rubber-band theory or if I should consider it as final…what can I do to be sure and how should I act (should I reply to him….) ? thank you
November 13th, 2009 at 8:40 AM
I forgot to say I am 37, he 28 both good looking, ambitious people, university degrees and good jobs and careers in separate fields… have a lot of things in common…
November 29th, 2009 at 8:11 PM
Hi Katie.
I know it sucks when you share such an intimate moment with your love and then he starts acting schizophrenic! I swear he’s not crazy, he’s just a Man. I’m going to go ahead and say that his actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the giant step of intimacy he took when he asked for a greater commitment. You think he may have buyer’s remorse but Im thinkin he is still into you. Check out “Dear Lauren: Great Guy Online, But Won’t Meet Offline” for insight on why he may feel insecure AND check out “Dear Lauren: Am I The Victim of an “I Love You” Hit and Run?” for insight on why he needs to pull away after ‘taking the next step.’ In terms of whether you should reply to him: yes, do. Be nice and reply very casually. Don’t invest more than you can lose right now but stay friendly. Once you understand more of what is going on for him, you will have more patience for this scenario. I hope this helps.
-Lauren
February 15th, 2010 at 6:57 AM
Dear Lauren, thanks for your great answer… you are really doing a great job with your replies…I applied it and for a while it seemed like we were going back on track again and than another thing happened which made me completely lose the track. Nevertheless I am interested in your feedback …
Picking up on the previous subject, I did write him “casually” back after couple of weeks and he responded that he would like to see me…What bothered me was the fact that he now wanted me to contact him to arrange that, which I found not right…if he is interested he should also be able to do it…but I told myself that maybe I am just being old fashioned in my way of thinking and I thought to my self “ok I will give it a try but then that’s it”…so I did contact him. It turned out we could not meet but he started playing another song ???? I do not know how but he managed to get into the sex subject, what he would like to do to me…. and that would have been fine if he did not ask me what I like…
Sorry Lauren maybe I am strange but I just felt what is this… I tried to be soft and go around the topic but at some point I had to say how I felt…and I told him that for such things I really think we should meet and get to know each other a bit better before talking about it online or on a phone…. and that was it…. no reply??? Imagine how confused I felt… sure it was straight forward from my side and maybe he “again” felt rejected ???? I do not know… but now I am certain that actually his intentions were not inline with mine so I can get over it…but I am asking my self what was the show all about from his side…do guys really go on like this just to get you … I know that he felt attracted to me, but I also told him that I am not looking for casual affairs ….or do I take it to seriously and should relax….? All I know that I am completely confused (since I liked him and this hit me) and I am not the only one who experienced this treatment…so I would appreciate inputs from any of you who experienced the same…thanks
March 5th, 2010 at 2:18 PM
Hi Katie,
Thanks for the follow up. Its always nice to hear the rest of the story. I understand what you’re feeling and no, you are not strange! Thank you for sharing your story and inviting others to share theirs. And I am rsvping yes to your invitation!
A few years ago I connected with a guy through an online dating site and we were iming every night. We would flirt sometimes and it was always very lighthearted and silly. Then one night he told me that he masturbated to my picture. I laughed and said I’m glad he had fun. That wasn’t about to bother me; it was a fully dressed picture of me smiling so I didn’t feel exposed by his share. Besides boys are gross. ; ) Anyway, he then asked me about MY masturbating experiences! Frankly that was a little personal of a question for me; especially coming from a guy I hadn’t even met! So I said, I’m not comfortable talking about it. He got very defensive and pushy so I signed off.
The next night he imed me and acted like everything was cool. I brought up the fact that I felt uncomfortable about last night’s interaction. And I asked for an apology for the way he disrespected my boundaries. He then told me that he was pushy because he felt exposed and vulnerable. Here he had shared something intimate with me and when I wouldn’t cross that line with him he felt embarrassed. (Often times when people feel embarrassed or rejected they lash out with anger because it makes them feel stronger and less exposed.) I thanked him for his honesty and I forgave him. While the connection didn’t last much longer, in the weeks after this conversation he never crossed that line again.
So anyway, thats MY story. In terms of my professional feedback ; ) well…men usually view sex a lot more casually than women do. So in their world its totally appropriate to test your boundaries when it comes to what your willing to talk about, even if you haven’t met yet. When he went out on a limb and told you what he would like to do to you sexually, you did not meet him out on that limb. Therefore he felt exposed, embarrassed and rejected. While many men might be able to swallow this experience, apologize and move on, he couldn’t. And frankly these sensitive moody type guys are everywhere. This was a good test of character and I am glad you are willing to move on. I have had a relationship with this type of man and let me tell you, you become more of a mother to him than a partner. So wrong.
You ask what the “show” was all about on his side. To which I answer, no guy puts in all the weeks of effort and talking and planning just to have phone sex with you. So just know, you weren’t played. He was genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship with you. He was just too embarrassed to move on from his conversation “faux pa.”
I just wanna let you know that you handled this situation brilliantly. You stayed within your integrity, you clearly set your boundaries, and you were polite and understanding. That’s all you can ask of yourself. The rest is his trip.
Anyone else wanna share something?
-Lauren
March 7th, 2010 at 10:35 AM
As a guy, I just wanted to vouch for what Lauren is saying to be a great description of guys in general. I feel too embarrassed to share my own conversation “faux pas”, but maybe I’ll share some later
.
March 7th, 2010 at 2:57 PM
Tease!