A few years ago I connected with a guy through an online dating site and we were iming every night. We would flirt sometimes and it was always very lighthearted and silly. Then one night he told me that he masturbated to my picture. I laughed and said I’m glad he had fun. That wasn’t about to bother me; it was a fully dressed picture of me smiling so I didn’t feel exposed by his share. Besides boys are gross. ; ) Anyway, he then asked me about MY masturbating experiences! Frankly that was a little personal of a question for me; especially coming from a guy I hadn’t even met! So I said, I’m not comfortable talking about it. He got very defensive and pushy so I signed off.
The next night he imed me and acted like everything was cool. I brought up the fact that I felt uncomfortable about last night’s interaction. And I asked for an apology for the way he disrespected my boundaries. He then told me that he was pushy because he felt exposed and vulnerable. Here he had shared something intimate with me and when I wouldn’t cross that line with him he felt embarrassed. (Often times when people feel embarrassed or rejected they lash out with anger because it makes them feel stronger and less exposed.) I thanked him for his honesty and I forgave him. While the connection didn’t last much longer, in the weeks after this conversation he never crossed that line again.

So anyway, thats MY story. In terms of my professional feedback ; ) well…men usually view sex a lot more casually than women do. So in their world its totally appropriate to test your boundaries when it comes to what your willing to talk about, even if you haven’t met yet. When he went out on a limb and told you what he would like to do to you sexually, you did not meet him out on that limb. Therefore he felt exposed, embarrassed and rejected. While many men might be able to swallow this experience, apologize and move on, he couldn’t. And frankly these sensitive moody type guys are everywhere. This was a good test of character and I am glad you are willing to move on. I have had a relationship with this type of man and let me tell you, you become more of a mother to him than a partner. So wrong.

You ask what the “show” was all about on his side. To which I answer, no guy puts in all the weeks of effort and talking and planning just to have phone sex with you. So just know, you weren’t played. He was genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship with you. He was just too embarrassed to move on from his conversation “faux pa.”

I just wanna let you know that you handled this situation brilliantly. You stayed within your integrity, you clearly set your boundaries, and you were polite and understanding. That’s all you can ask of yourself. The rest is his trip.

Anyone else wanna share something?

-Lauren

Picking up on the previous subject, I did write him “casually” back after couple of weeks and he responded that he would like to see me…What bothered me was the fact that he now wanted me to contact him to arrange that, which I found not right…if he is interested he should also be able to do it…but I told myself that maybe I am just being old fashioned in my way of thinking and I thought to my self “ok I will give it a try but then that’s it”…so I did contact him. It turned out we could not meet but he started playing another song ???? I do not know how but he managed to get into the sex subject, what he would like to do to me…. and that would have been fine if he did not ask me what I like…
Sorry Lauren maybe I am strange but I just felt what is this… I tried to be soft and go around the topic but at some point I had to say how I felt…and I told him that for such things I really think we should meet and get to know each other a bit better before talking about it online or on a phone…. and that was it…. no reply??? Imagine how confused I felt… sure it was straight forward from my side and maybe he “again” felt rejected ???? I do not know… but now I am certain that actually his intentions were not inline with mine so I can get over it…but I am asking my self what was the show all about from his side…do guys really go on like this just to get you … I know that he felt attracted to me, but I also told him that I am not looking for casual affairs ….or do I take it to seriously and should relax….? All I know that I am completely confused (since I liked him and this hit me) and I am not the only one who experienced this treatment…so I would appreciate inputs from any of you who experienced the same…thanks