Dear Lauren, Am I Too Clingy?

August 22, 2009

Dear Lauren, I think I might be one of those clingy guys and I definitely don’t want to turn anyone off. I am in a relationship and I am always doing things for her, buying her flowers, stuff, toys, etc.  I don’t get moody or upset when she goes out with her girlfriends or is away on business.  I do get upset when we are both in town and I don’t get to see her except maybe once a week. I have been waiting for her to ask to see me, is that the wrong thing to do?  I really care for this girl and don’t want to chase her away.  How do I determine if I am a clingy guy and if I am how can I get help and learn to stop this behavior? —Am I Clingy? in Aspen, CO

Dear Am I Clingy?: This is a great question for anyone in a relationship to ask themselves, whether you are male or female. It is always okay to ask for what you want. How you respond to your partner saying no to your requests determines if you are clingy or not. If you pout and guilt-trip her when she says no to you then you are a clingy and needy partner. At this point, she is more likely to say yes to you because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings than because she actually wants to spend time with you. However, I do not think you are “one of those clingy guys,” and here’s why:

First off I want to put your mind at ease about what you are getting upset about. It’s alright to want to see her and it is alright to miss her when you are apart. This doesn’t make you clingy.  My personal opinion is that time apart makes the time together that much better. Your sex life stays passionate, romance remains a priority, and it’s damn hard to take each other for granted.

However, when you want to see her you should call her. Do not wait for her to call you. She may be busy, she may not be that into you (yet), or she may be waiting for the phone to ring thinking that if she called you then you would think she was needy. Unfortunately the female sex has a nasty reputation for being clingy. Those un-clingy women sometimes question their every move so that they may avoid being grouped in with that stereotype. Dizzying, isn’t it?

I understand how confusing this is for men. I really do. Women want to be pursued but we lose attraction when a man is clingy. When does pursuing a woman morph into chasing her away? When does the knight-in-shining-armor become that creepy guy who can’t take a hint?

It’s all in how you ask her out and what you do if she says “no.” Rather than saying, “lets get together” or, “I’d like to spend more time with you,” (which can come across as needy) ask her to attend a specific event with you that you think she will like. Look around, do some research; see what bands are playing locally, what sports games are coming up, check out if there are any art gallery openings or festivals going on. Even something as small and ordinary as a farmers market is okay. Just as long you PLAN SOMETHING.

Occasionally go one step further and buy tickets in advance for something you would like to do and think that she would like too. Let her know you are going and would like her to join you. If she says “no,” don’t be upset. Just let it go and bring one of your buddies. Than way later on, you can say what a great time you had and that you missed her company. This amplifies the impression that you are fun to hang out with. You see it is human nature to undervalue something until it is lost to us. When she hears what a fun time you had, she will be intrigued. Next time she will be more likely to say yes, not so she doesn’t “reject” you or hurt your feelings, but so she doesn’t miss out.

By calling and asking her out on specific dates, you are not cornering her or chasing her away. You are merely showing your interest in a way that flatters her and gives her plenty of room to make her decisions. This is extremely attractive to a woman.

P.S. It is ten times more important to plan dates than to buy your girl presents. So put your wallet away and plan a picnic on top of a mountain…or whatever floats your boat.

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com –Lauren Gray

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Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus