Dear Lauren: He’s Clingy, and I’m Not Attracted Anymore…
May 16, 2009
When he's clingy, he loses his attraction.
Dear Lauren, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 months. For the most part it has been long distance but we just spent a week-long vacation with each other. It was wonderful and so much fun, but I didn’t want to have sex with him. That’s weird, right?
He’s very attentive and very romantic and sometimes a little clingy. I’m totally in love with him but for some reason I’m just not attracted to him anymore. I’ve told him and he was honest that it hurt his feelings. He’s totally cute and my friends think there is something wrong with me. What’s going on? Are they right? -22 in New Orleans
Dear 22 in New Orleans, There is NOTHING wrong with you. Your friends on the other hand….
Kidding!
I’m sure they mean the best. Believe it or not there is such a thing as being too attentive!
Men are confused. Girls want to be kissed and held and showered with compliments. However, when this becomes over the top it comes from a place of insecurity and the need for her approval. Women like to be pursued but it is the difference between the man providing for her and her fulfilling him and his need of approval. It doesn’t make her feel feminine, it makes her feel responsible for him. Sometimes when we see a needy guy we label him as “the girl” in the relationship.
However, this is NOT to say that girls are needy. We women need, the man meets those needs and the woman appreciates him for that. It is the way. This is not being needy. Being needy is where you have needs and when your partner isn’t meeting those needs, you need even more. If the man follows this definition the woman will inevitably want to do something about it. Eventually she will feel obligated to do things with him and for him because if she doesn’t, his feelings get hurt.
Men hear from girls all the time to “be more sensitive!” This can be confusing to a man. If they are too sensitive they get needy and it turns the girl off. Why? There are two sides of sensitive. Believe me, the difference makes a big difference. One side is to be sensitive to her needs thereby being a considerate boyfriend. The other side is being sensitive to where he gets needy and if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants his “feelings get hurt.”
Any woman’s reaction to that statement is going to be same. We get the urge to kiss the booboo and make it better. This puts the sexy female into mommy mode. Of course you are incapable of being attracted to him, he has shed his “knight in shining armor” gear for a periwinkle blue onesie. With the best of intentions on both sides the sex life has completely disappeared.
Once identified, the problem can be dealt with in two ways. One is break up with him. Unfortunately this needy type can eventually become very moody and can become pretty controlling. Maybe not in the loud ‘handcuff you to the couch’ way but more in a subtle, guilt trip ‘if you really loved me’ sort of way. Watch out for these manipulative tactics and do NOT fall for it. Independence is a girl’s best friend.
Another way is to create more distance in the relationship. Start being a little too busy for him. Hang out with your friends more. Don’t answer all his phone calls or texts. Do more things that you like to do. If he is one of those confused guys that just got the wrong advice on how to be sensitive, then there might be hope yet. If you’re not responding to his pout, he might realize that the way to turn you on is to be more sensitive to your needs and take his boo-boos to his biological mother where they belong.
If he doesn’t realize this on his own, try asking for exactly what you want. A man wants to please his woman. If you tell him how to make you happy he will try to do it. But at the end of the day if he’s still clingy and needy, its time to say “goodbye.” You deserve a knight in shining armor. Don’t forget that!
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Lauren Gray is our newest MarsVenusLiving columnist.
Her column will appear weekly, on Saturdays.
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Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce
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Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again
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Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus
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July 11th, 2009 at 1:58 PM
[...] have been together for far less time than us are getting married and starting their lives together. The more he sees me sad or angry about it, the more he pulls away. How do I let all of this go and just be happy? What do couples do when one wants marriage and is [...]
January 17th, 2010 at 9:35 PM
so it is ok for a women to express how her feelings got hurt when she did not get what she wanted because the man has to be sensitive to her needs or on the opposite he should give her what she wants because he should be understanding but if a man does that, he is weak and needy? You cant have your cake and eat it too.
March 5th, 2010 at 2:37 PM
The point is guys and girls are different. That’s why we work. Its like magnets; negative charges repel each other, positive charges repel each other, but negative and positive charges attract. Hence, “opposites attract.” Here’s the situation: men like to be there for women in distress but women aren’t interested in men in distress. Picture a classic fairy tale, a man rides up to the castle, slays the dragon and rescues the fair maiden. I guarantee you they have sex that night. The man is turned on by the fact that he saved her and she is turned on by the fact that he fought for her.
Now flip it. A woman rides up to the castle, slays the Minotaur, and rescues the prince. I promise you she dresses his wounds, feeds him a nice hot meal, and holds him in her arms. Nobody gets laid that night. Rather than being turned on to him, she starts feeling like his mother. When a woman pursues a man in distress, the results are disappointing. That’s the reality of the situation.
I just want to clarify something before I sign off. I have NOT recommended talking about “hurt feelings” to a guy, its a good way to turn him off as well. Instead of making him the hero you make him the villian by telling him he hurt you. When a man rescues a woman in distress, he is the hero because there is always a bad guy like a dragon or a minotaur or a mean boss or a manipulative step-mother that causes the woman distress. When you tell him he hurt your feelings, he feels like HE is the dragon and this will immediately turn him off to you. For a man making you happy is the ultimate success while causing you distress is the ultimate failure.
-Lauren