Dear Lauren, I have a friend who is the father of one of my son’s friends. I am divorced and he is widowed. I began spending more time with him when my son and his son started getting together. Since we have been seeing so much of each other, I’ve developed a crush on him. I have not acted on my crush because I am shy and don’t know if he feels the same. We have common interests and have a lot of fun hanging out when the boys are doing their thing. It’s impossible for me to figure out if he is content with being friends or likes me more than that but is just as shy as I am to admit it.- 40, in Annapolis, MD
Dear 40,
This man may not be ready for a romantic connection yet, but remember, there is no timeline on grief. It takes as long as it takes. He may be available for something physical but not emotional too. The two combined may feel like he is betraying his late wife.
However, all that sensitive stuff aside, I suspect that if he’s your friend and having fun with you then he’s attracted to you as well. Guys usually don’t give women that much attention unless they are attracted to them. He is most likely waiting for some indirect signal to encourage him on. There’s a very good chance that he’s just as shy as you. On top of natural shyness, his feelings are probably complicated by the fact that he doesn’t want to betray his wife. He doesn’t want to move on too quickly. He doesn’t want it to seem like she didn’t matter to him.
We cannot know the many layers of his heart but we do know that you both have fun together and that you have a crush. I personally am always one to tell the guy I have a crush on him. At the very least it’s flattering. So be playful, and tell him: “you know I feel like one these kids, I think I’ve got a crush on you.” Laugh. Look away. Move on. This way you’ve introduced the idea to him but you have not put any pressure on him to respond.
If he responds in an encouraging way (at that moment or later) and says that he has a crush on you too, let it go slow. I recently had my first experience with taking things slow and it was incredible. Every impulse wants to get close fast, be physical fast, tell each other everything fast. But going slow is so rewarding. Each day holds something new; it is sweet, innocent, exciting, frustrating, and it forces both parties to really be in the present. Each decision is made thoughtfully and this creates a relationship where both parties are on the same page.
This is particularly important in your story where kids, ex-husbands, and wives who are no longer with us are players. But just because it’s complicated doesn’t mean it should be serious. So handle this crush with care but remember to have fun! Crushes are the best!
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com –Lauren Gray
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Tired of Flirting? Must Be Time to Get Serious.
I had a crush on this guy for like weeks and it took me forever to work up the nerve to tell him. He was so relieved when I did because he likes me too! Now we are happily dating and you know, telling him was just like ripping off a bandaid! Do it fast and don’t think about it. Good luck with your crush 40!
Its true that when you go fast your expectations of the relationship and the other person can differ from their version of things. This has landed me in some hot water before-either because he thought our casual fling meant marriage and babies or I thought we were monogamous and he didn’t. Everytime I start something with a guy I always tell myself to go slow and then…we don’t. How do you slow yourself down? Besides will power because mine clearly is broken. Thanks.
[...] in his field. This involves a great deal of study and on top of that, he has a full time job. Which means less time to see him. I support what he is doing BUT the cave time does wear on me. At what point does a man’s cave [...]
Rebecca-I love that analogy: “ripping off a bandaid!” I quite agree. I am glad it worked for you.
Jennifer-I will discuss this more in detail in a future column about monagomy. In the mean time I will share a few thoughts i have on how to slow yourself down. The trick is to recognize the reason we want to go so fast. One of the reasons we like to divulge so much and physically connect so fast is because we fear the unknown. We like to know what he thinks about you and where you stand because to not know is freakin nerve racking. I was listening to a song by Joshua Radin today and one of the lyrics goes as such, “Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won’t fall.” Relish living in the unknown. The time that you get to know one another is precious and sacred and exciting. Don’t “rip it off like a bandaid!” The reason we rush is often rooted in a deep insecurity. It is hard to be vulnerable enough to be intimate with someone when you don’t feel secure that they love you back. However, just remind yourself that you deserve love and that you are sexy, intelligent, and wonderful and try to live in the scary unknown. I agree with Joshua, it’s beautiful.
[...] to but he stood me up. I told him that was my limit and I ignored his phone calls for three months. Now we’re trying to be friends. We went to a party last night and he kept saying how good I made him look, but he got jealous when [...]