Dear Lauren: “Is He Into Me . . .Or Not?”
July 25, 2009
Give each other space, and you'll last forever.
Dear Lauren, I have been dating someone for about two months. He pursued me in this relationship. Recently we had two awesome dates on back-to-back nights and then suddenly he started to pull away. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to be in this relationship? I basically gave him an out if he wanted it. He assured me that he does want to be with me. However it has been two days since we have talked. Do you think this is a classic case of the “rubber-band” theory? And one thing I am curious about is how long do you think is a man needs to stay in his cave? I mean a week, a month? I think a month would mean … “he’s just not that into me” and I need to move on. I have been in enough situations where I was blind-sided and though I don’t think this guy will do that to me… I never saw it coming before in my other relationship.—Sara
Dear Sara,
At this point in your relationship, the behavioral laws of “he’s just not that into you” don’t really apply. He’s already shown you his interest by pursuing you. And YES! Sara, I think this is a classic case of the rubber-band theory. You have become very close. At this point, on Venus, ya’ll would be inseparable. On Mars, however, it’s time to go into the cave.
You ask: what is a reasonable amount of time to give a man in their cave? Let me answer by saying that there is NOTHING “reasonable” about the opposite sex and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. A day? A week? Two weeks? It depends on the man, his situation, and the action his woman takes or doesn’t take (a.k.a.: how many times she knocks on the cave door or pursues the rubberband so it can’t snap back.) Also, I’m pretty sure women don’t “give” men their cave time. When he is good and ready he will come out and play. I promise you he will be happier and more romantic than ever!
No matter how many times you review “the cave” chapter in my Dad’s book, it’s hardly going to sit right with us women. It just seems so counterintuitive! Because it is so difficult to understand, it’s only natural that when he pulls away we get fearful. When it comes to protecting the heart, we tend to assume the worst. Our thinking goes like this, “If we plan for the worst (he doesn’t love me, he’s using me, it was all meaningless sex for him) then he can’t surprise or blindside us with it.” At this point we might do or say something stupid.
In the future, to keep this fear from dictating our actions, I’d like to offer a new metaphor to helps us girls with the cave concept. But we have to promise to never ever tell our significant others. Ever! I don’t think they would like my metaphor very much. Instead of picturing the cave as a dark creepy place where the dragon lurks, picture a rejuvenating spa up on a seaside cliff. There your man is covered in a seaweed wrap, with cucumber slices over his eyes, foil in his hair, getting a head to toe makeover that will make him a better lover and friend. Somehow…once the laughter subsides, the idea comforts me and makes it a little easier to understand.
When your man pulled away from you, you asked him if he wanted to be in this relationship or not. You might think that giving him an “out” was a really generous offer. However, from his side this sounds like an ultimatum: stay with me but I wont let you have your cave time/rejuvenating spa treatment OR pull away and the relationship is over. He doesn’t want either of those options. While he may not take it literally, by giving him this ultimatum you’ve implied that his cave time is wrong and that it upsets you. This point of view will undoubtedly prolong his “spa treatment.”
If a man doesn’t feel safe to pull away, then the rubber-band will fail to snap back.
I don’t want to scare you. You haven’t ruined anything. Many women make the same mistake. When he snaps out of his funk, don’t apologize, don’t explain. Just be happy to see him and let him know it.
It takes a lot of trust to be in a relationship and I understand that you’re sensitive to being screwed over. Past relationships have betrayed you. You don’t want to waste your time. But you have to trust this man’s intentions if you ever hope to have him trust you with his heart. Men are just as protective of their hearts as women…if not more.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Tired of Flirting? Must Be Time to Get Serious.
Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus
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July 26th, 2009 at 11:43 PM
I am glad to see they are making your blog layout much better! And another great advice Lauren.
There your man is covered in a seaweed wrap, with cucumber slices over his eyes, foil in his hair, getting a head to toe makeover that will make him a better lover and friend.
Yes, you better keep that metaphor amongst your girlfriends
… LOL
August 23rd, 2009 at 9:30 PM
I so needed to read this right now… Now if only I can find something to keep me preoccupied while he is NOT calling… LOL
August 29th, 2009 at 11:00 AM
I am so glad this could help! Try hiking, baking something delicious, and going to see a movie with your girls. I highly recommend seeing Taking Woodstock, you just can’t help but smile!
September 5th, 2009 at 9:17 AM
[...] through a hard and confusing time right now. He has gone into his cave now to essentially discover if he loves me or not. Waiting for someone to break up with you is awful. I just can’t believe this could be over, I cry [...]
October 5th, 2009 at 1:29 PM
[...] than calling to ask questions, a woman who may be seeking a degree of reassurance can call to simply share good feelings about hav… If he does not feel pressured to make any reassuring statement, then his natural appreciation for [...]
October 6th, 2009 at 6:10 PM
Lauren, so what’s the solution? What should she do now, wait for him to call again while going about her life?
Seems that women often receive mixed advice – be too assertive and you scare the guy away. Say nothing and you’re a doormat, and he’ll keep behaving the same way. We’re told that communication is key to a good relationship, but it sounds as if this guy isn’t mature enough or even ready for the next stage.
October 12th, 2009 at 6:11 PM
Dear TraLaLa,
The solution to dealing with men often involves a whole lotta patience. And patience can be found in understanding. Men are different. They are wired differently from women. To apply the same expectations to a man as you would a woman is to apply the same expectations to a blender as you would a teapot. The key is to understand their differences and act accordingly. Aka: Your blender will last longer if you don’t put it on the stove! Men need their cave time to function. Just think of it as something written in the blender’s manual…in BOLD.
So yea. Now she waits for him to call again while going about her life.
With all the people dishing out advice, people are bound to get mixed messages. I agree with you. Its hard to listen to everyone. It doesn’t make sense.
I am happy to offer you my take on this contradiction. I think people misunderstand demanding for assertive. Assertive is okay. If by assertive you mean: asking for what you want. In my column “Am I Clingy” I provide a more detailed description of how to ask for what you want without coming across as needy or demanding. Asking for what you want in the right way never scares a guy away. In fact, they will tell you how much they appreciate a little nod in the right direction. They want to make you happy. Asking for what you want throws them a freaking bone.
Now about this doormat theory…I think this falls under the “victim” category. You can find more information on how to avoid being a victim in my column “His Gal Pal Has An Eating Disorder.” The truth is, you are in charge. If you ask for what you want in the right way, a few times, and he doesn’t acquiesce, then it is time to ask yourself how flexible you can be. Is it so important that you want to leave him for it? Or is it maybe something you can fulfill in a different way? Its up to you. You’re not a doormat.
Every single person is entitled to their opinion and I thank you soooo much for adding your insight and questions to this column. Before i sign off Id like to add one more thing about “this guy isn’t mature enough.” I have heard that phrase thrown around and I myself say it sometimes in columns. But its important to reflect for a minute. Is this a maturity issue? Or is this about gender differences? A little understanding can go a long way.
I hope this has helped to answer your questions. : )
October 13th, 2009 at 6:52 AM
Lauren I love the way you explain things – you’ve definitely inherited a talent for explaining gender differences, communications and relationships girl! I love your blender/teapot analogy! : )
I don’t think this is a maturity issue… it’s absolutely a communication one – to steal from your analogy, would you expect to pour a perfect cup of tea from your blender??
The point is we all have different opinions and we all do it differently – and thank goodness for that… don’t even get me started on how dull the world would be if we were all uniformed and one track minded sheep…. anyway, I digress – when we can learn to see that men (and men can see that we) ‘have different manuals’, then we can learn to understand it; you wouldn’t say ‘my stupid blender just isn’t up to the job – maybe I’ll bin it and get a new one’ because you’d know your blender wasn’t built to make a cup of tea!
You might, however, start to see that your blender is better at making soup and so stop trying to get the poor machine to make tea and instead enjoy it’s great ability to make delicious soups!
(Or, to put it another way, change our perspectives about what comes less naturally to the fellas in out lives and instead focus on where some of their talents go beyond those of our darling girlfriends – aka teapots! And so appreciating the teapots and the blenders in their own unique ways!)
Okay, okay – enough with the blender analogy – basically I’m saying I agree! Keep up the good work Miss Gray! : )
October 13th, 2009 at 7:45 AM
Wow Nadia! Way to take it to the next level! Thanks for your addition. And now I’m craving soup and a cup of tea. Fancy that. : )
October 17th, 2009 at 4:06 AM
[...] Two weeks later, he broke up with me because he was no longer “feeling it.” It broke my heart. Later he admits to me that it wasn’t that he wasn’t “feeling it” anymore, he just got scared and “could we just be friends?” After that he disappeared but I [...]
October 20th, 2009 at 12:39 PM
Lauren,
While we are trotting around living our own lives and our men are in their caves–what do we do when they start to come back out?
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 months and he’s recently gone into his cave. Initially I did what many women will do and tried to pull him back out, to talk to him, but finally realized that I was handling things in the opposite manner of what I should be. Since then, I’ve tried to lay low and do my own things, focus on my needs and interests while he sorts through his own thoughts or issues. Last night we spent a planned evening together (concert), and had a wonderful time. He spoke about some big things in the future, things that we talked about prior to the “cave”, a pleasant surprise to me.
So my question is…is he coming out of the cave? And whether he is now or not, what should I do when he does start coming out? Am I to follow his lead here? This week I have multiple plans with family and friends. We have another planned outing this weekend, so I’m trying to stay away from the cave opening and enjoy my own time until that point. Do I wait for him to make a move in the direction of spending time together again? Our relationship means a lot to me, and I don’t want to do something now, or whenever he starts to “emerge” that would harm our relationship and potential future together.
Thank you!
Maggie
October 29th, 2009 at 8:52 AM
Hi Maggie. Great job staying away from the Cave door. I know it’s hard. But once you see him coming out of the cave it will be an acknowledgement that what your doing is worth all the trouble. The best thing to do is to wait for him to make the moves. Be cool. Be friendly. Wait for him to call you and when he does let him know how happy you are to hear from him. When he asks you out on a date or reminds you of a previous plan, let him know how excited you are. This will send the message that you are totally cool with him taking his time and that you are still very interested in him. Congratulations on the new relationship. You are doing a great job!
-Lauren
January 10th, 2010 at 2:08 PM
Dear Lauren,
Your dad’s “cave advice” is a godsend!! I am currently in a very loving and committed relationship. Actually, he pursued me for nearly 6 months and we are now dating for nearly 4 months. He has also been the driving force communicating his feelings and making his commitment very clear (he wants to find the “one”). He’s extremely open with his feelings. Especially, when I was recently gone for 3 weeks on holiday, he showered me every day with long love emails and speaking for the first time about future plans. After 2 weeks, however, he cooled off. I asked him and he reassured me he is just in a low mood and I shouldn’t worry. I gave him of course the space and greeted him with a big smile when he came back. Shortly after he was back, however, he is now gone again. When he is gone into the cave he tends to still finish texts/emails with “I love you” (without me pestering for it).
I’m just worried that he exhausts himself or even creates an adverse effect with those huge emtional outbursts so early on in the relationsip. Is there anything I can do? Maybe I don’t reassure him enough? I’m a bit worried how someone can fly high and then go down within a couple of weeks. Despite all the good “cave-advice” I do get worried (but always restraining myself not to knock on his cave door
). Plus it’s an adjustment going from being showered with so much love to suddenly him being gone.
Many thanks,
Nicole
February 26th, 2010 at 9:01 PM
Hi Nicole,
Your concerns are well founded. Some men in the beginning overdo it and since they cannot sustain it overtime, they just give up. To help him avoid making this mistake again and again, give him the message that he doesn’t have to go overboard to please you. By making sure you appreciate the little things he does for you, he gradually learns he doesn’t have to give so much to win the fair lady’s hand.
-Lauren