Give each other space, and you'll last forever.
Dear Lauren, I have been dating someone for about two months. He pursued me in this relationship. Recently we had two awesome dates on back-to-back nights and then suddenly he started to pull away. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to be in this relationship? I basically gave him an out if he wanted it. He assured me that he does want to be with me. However it has been two days since we have talked. Do you think this is a classic case of the “rubber-band” theory? And one thing I am curious about is how long do you think is a man needs to stay in his cave? I mean a week, a month? I think a month would mean … “he’s just not that into me” and I need to move on. I have been in enough situations where I was blind-sided and though I don’t think this guy will do that to me… I never saw it coming before in my other relationship.—Sara
Dear Sara,
At this point in your relationship, the behavioral laws of “he’s just not that into you” don’t really apply. He’s already shown you his interest by pursuing you. And YES! Sara, I think this is a classic case of the rubber-band theory. You have become very close. At this point, on Venus, ya’ll would be inseparable. On Mars, however, it’s time to go into the cave.
You ask: what is a reasonable amount of time to give a man in their cave? Let me answer by saying that there is NOTHING “reasonable” about the opposite sex and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. A day? A week? Two weeks? It depends on the man, his situation, and the action his woman takes or doesn’t take (a.k.a.: how many times she knocks on the cave door or pursues the rubberband so it can’t snap back.) Also, I’m pretty sure women don’t “give” men their cave time. When he is good and ready he will come out and play. I promise you he will be happier and more romantic than ever!
No matter how many times you review “the cave” chapter in my Dad’s book, it’s hardly going to sit right with us women. It just seems so counterintuitive! Because it is so difficult to understand, it’s only natural that when he pulls away we get fearful. When it comes to protecting the heart, we tend to assume the worst. Our thinking goes like this, “If we plan for the worst (he doesn’t love me, he’s using me, it was all meaningless sex for him) then he can’t surprise or blindside us with it.” At this point we might do or say something stupid.
In the future, to keep this fear from dictating our actions, I’d like to offer a new metaphor to helps us girls with the cave concept. But we have to promise to never ever tell our significant others. Ever! I don’t think they would like my metaphor very much. Instead of picturing the cave as a dark creepy place where the dragon lurks, picture a rejuvenating spa up on a seaside cliff. There your man is covered in a seaweed wrap, with cucumber slices over his eyes, foil in his hair, getting a head to toe makeover that will make him a better lover and friend. Somehow…once the laughter subsides, the idea comforts me and makes it a little easier to understand.
When your man pulled away from you, you asked him if he wanted to be in this relationship or not. You might think that giving him an “out” was a really generous offer. However, from his side this sounds like an ultimatum: stay with me but I wont let you have your cave time/rejuvenating spa treatment OR pull away and the relationship is over. He doesn’t want either of those options. While he may not take it literally, by giving him this ultimatum you’ve implied that his cave time is wrong and that it upsets you. This point of view will undoubtedly prolong his “spa treatment.”
If a man doesn’t feel safe to pull away, then the rubber-band will fail to snap back.
I don’t want to scare you. You haven’t ruined anything. Many women make the same mistake. When he snaps out of his funk, don’t apologize, don’t explain. Just be happy to see him and let him know it.
It takes a lot of trust to be in a relationship and I understand that you’re sensitive to being screwed over. Past relationships have betrayed you. You don’t want to waste your time. But you have to trust this man’s intentions if you ever hope to have him trust you with his heart. Men are just as protective of their hearts as women…if not more.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
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Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce
Ten Great Places to Meet Your Soul Mate
Dear Lauren: “I Want Him to Kiss Me”
Dear Lauren: On Again, Off Again
Dear Lauren: Why Is the Honeymoon Over?
Dear Lauren: Yes, Shy Guys Can Get the Girl
Dear Lauren: His Gal Pal Has an Eating Disorder
Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology
Dear Lauren: She’s Dating a Younger Guy
Dear Lauren: Best Friend, Girl Friend, or Gal Pal?
Dear Lauren: “Does College Mean We’ll Break Up?”
Dear Lauren: Long Distance Dating
Dear Lauren: “He Won’t Commit!”
Walking Away from Intimate Violence
Why Women Won’t Say: “I Love You, Man Boy.”
Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again
Dear Lauren: Cave Time for Guys?
Reel Romance: 4 Date Night Films
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Tired of Flirting? Must Be Time to Get Serious.
I am glad to see they are making your blog layout much better! And another great advice Lauren.
There your man is covered in a seaweed wrap, with cucumber slices over his eyes, foil in his hair, getting a head to toe makeover that will make him a better lover and friend.
Yes, you better keep that metaphor amongst your girlfriends
… LOL
I so needed to read this right now… Now if only I can find something to keep me preoccupied while he is NOT calling… LOL
I am so glad this could help! Try hiking, baking something delicious, and going to see a movie with your girls. I highly recommend seeing Taking Woodstock, you just can’t help but smile!
[...] through a hard and confusing time right now. He has gone into his cave now to essentially discover if he loves me or not. Waiting for someone to break up with you is awful. I just can’t believe this could be over, I cry [...]
[...] than calling to ask questions, a woman who may be seeking a degree of reassurance can call to simply share good feelings about hav… If he does not feel pressured to make any reassuring statement, then his natural appreciation for [...]
Lauren, so what’s the solution? What should she do now, wait for him to call again while going about her life?
Seems that women often receive mixed advice – be too assertive and you scare the guy away. Say nothing and you’re a doormat, and he’ll keep behaving the same way. We’re told that communication is key to a good relationship, but it sounds as if this guy isn’t mature enough or even ready for the next stage.
Dear TraLaLa,
The solution to dealing with men often involves a whole lotta patience. And patience can be found in understanding. Men are different. They are wired differently from women. To apply the same expectations to a man as you would a woman is to apply the same expectations to a blender as you would a teapot. The key is to understand their differences and act accordingly. Aka: Your blender will last longer if you don’t put it on the stove! Men need their cave time to function. Just think of it as something written in the blender’s manual…in BOLD.
So yea. Now she waits for him to call again while going about her life.
With all the people dishing out advice, people are bound to get mixed messages. I agree with you. Its hard to listen to everyone. It doesn’t make sense.
I am happy to offer you my take on this contradiction. I think people misunderstand demanding for assertive. Assertive is okay. If by assertive you mean: asking for what you want. In my column “Am I Clingy” I provide a more detailed description of how to ask for what you want without coming across as needy or demanding. Asking for what you want in the right way never scares a guy away. In fact, they will tell you how much they appreciate a little nod in the right direction. They want to make you happy. Asking for what you want throws them a freaking bone.
Now about this doormat theory…I think this falls under the “victim” category. You can find more information on how to avoid being a victim in my column “His Gal Pal Has An Eating Disorder.” The truth is, you are in charge. If you ask for what you want in the right way, a few times, and he doesn’t acquiesce, then it is time to ask yourself how flexible you can be. Is it so important that you want to leave him for it? Or is it maybe something you can fulfill in a different way? Its up to you. You’re not a doormat.
Every single person is entitled to their opinion and I thank you soooo much for adding your insight and questions to this column. Before i sign off Id like to add one more thing about “this guy isn’t mature enough.” I have heard that phrase thrown around and I myself say it sometimes in columns. But its important to reflect for a minute. Is this a maturity issue? Or is this about gender differences? A little understanding can go a long way.
I hope this has helped to answer your questions. : )
Lauren I love the way you explain things – you’ve definitely inherited a talent for explaining gender differences, communications and relationships girl! I love your blender/teapot analogy! : )
I don’t think this is a maturity issue… it’s absolutely a communication one – to steal from your analogy, would you expect to pour a perfect cup of tea from your blender??
The point is we all have different opinions and we all do it differently – and thank goodness for that… don’t even get me started on how dull the world would be if we were all uniformed and one track minded sheep…. anyway, I digress – when we can learn to see that men (and men can see that we) ‘have different manuals’, then we can learn to understand it; you wouldn’t say ‘my stupid blender just isn’t up to the job – maybe I’ll bin it and get a new one’ because you’d know your blender wasn’t built to make a cup of tea!
You might, however, start to see that your blender is better at making soup and so stop trying to get the poor machine to make tea and instead enjoy it’s great ability to make delicious soups!
(Or, to put it another way, change our perspectives about what comes less naturally to the fellas in out lives and instead focus on where some of their talents go beyond those of our darling girlfriends – aka teapots! And so appreciating the teapots and the blenders in their own unique ways!)
Okay, okay – enough with the blender analogy – basically I’m saying I agree! Keep up the good work Miss Gray! : )
Wow Nadia! Way to take it to the next level! Thanks for your addition. And now I’m craving soup and a cup of tea. Fancy that. : )
[...] Two weeks later, he broke up with me because he was no longer “feeling it.” It broke my heart. Later he admits to me that it wasn’t that he wasn’t “feeling it” anymore, he just got scared and “could we just be friends?” After that he disappeared but I [...]
Lauren,
While we are trotting around living our own lives and our men are in their caves–what do we do when they start to come back out?
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 months and he’s recently gone into his cave. Initially I did what many women will do and tried to pull him back out, to talk to him, but finally realized that I was handling things in the opposite manner of what I should be. Since then, I’ve tried to lay low and do my own things, focus on my needs and interests while he sorts through his own thoughts or issues. Last night we spent a planned evening together (concert), and had a wonderful time. He spoke about some big things in the future, things that we talked about prior to the “cave”, a pleasant surprise to me.
So my question is…is he coming out of the cave? And whether he is now or not, what should I do when he does start coming out? Am I to follow his lead here? This week I have multiple plans with family and friends. We have another planned outing this weekend, so I’m trying to stay away from the cave opening and enjoy my own time until that point. Do I wait for him to make a move in the direction of spending time together again? Our relationship means a lot to me, and I don’t want to do something now, or whenever he starts to “emerge” that would harm our relationship and potential future together.
Thank you!
Maggie
Hi Maggie. Great job staying away from the Cave door. I know it’s hard. But once you see him coming out of the cave it will be an acknowledgement that what your doing is worth all the trouble. The best thing to do is to wait for him to make the moves. Be cool. Be friendly. Wait for him to call you and when he does let him know how happy you are to hear from him. When he asks you out on a date or reminds you of a previous plan, let him know how excited you are. This will send the message that you are totally cool with him taking his time and that you are still very interested in him. Congratulations on the new relationship. You are doing a great job!
-Lauren
Lauren:
In august ‘09, I began seeing a seemingly great, honest, and nice man. We both agreed to build a friendship and do things the “right” way. Neither him or i want to repeat mistakes of our past (he was divorced a year ago and I am still in counseling due to a past abusive relationship). We talked about building our friendship and doing things the right way during our very first conversation! Anyway, in October he called me and we had a great conversation; a lot of laughter etc etc. Anyway, at the end of the call i vividly remember him saying to me “I will be talking to you again later Ann”. I replied “That would be awesome!” and we hung up. Well, he hasn’t called me since then. I did call and leave him 3 messages since then but he hasn’t returned my calls yet!! Did this man know he was going to his cave the last time he called me? Is that why he re-assured me that he would be talking to me again sometime?
Thank you,
Andrea
Lauren:
Sorry but I should have asked you in my original message….Do you agree that my friend did go to his cave?
Should I send him a very short letter more or less telling him that my phone is on and door is open to him? I want to let him know that he can SAFELY return to me IF you agree that his cave is to blame for his distance!
Thanks again,
Andrea
Dear Lauren,
Your dad’s “cave advice” is a godsend!! I am currently in a very loving and committed relationship. Actually, he pursued me for nearly 6 months and we are now dating for nearly 4 months. He has also been the driving force communicating his feelings and making his commitment very clear (he wants to find the “one”). He’s extremely open with his feelings. Especially, when I was recently gone for 3 weeks on holiday, he showered me every day with long love emails and speaking for the first time about future plans. After 2 weeks, however, he cooled off. I asked him and he reassured me he is just in a low mood and I shouldn’t worry. I gave him of course the space and greeted him with a big smile when he came back. Shortly after he was back, however, he is now gone again. When he is gone into the cave he tends to still finish texts/emails with “I love you” (without me pestering for it).
I’m just worried that he exhausts himself or even creates an adverse effect with those huge emtional outbursts so early on in the relationsip. Is there anything I can do? Maybe I don’t reassure him enough? I’m a bit worried how someone can fly high and then go down within a couple of weeks. Despite all the good “cave-advice” I do get worried (but always restraining myself not to knock on his cave door
). Plus it’s an adjustment going from being showered with so much love to suddenly him being gone.
Many thanks,
Nicole
Hi Nicole,
Your concerns are well founded. Some men in the beginning overdo it and since they cannot sustain it overtime, they just give up. To help him avoid making this mistake again and again, give him the message that he doesn’t have to go overboard to please you. By making sure you appreciate the little things he does for you, he gradually learns he doesn’t have to give so much to win the fair lady’s hand.
-Lauren
Hello Lauren,
How long can a man stay in his cave? My hubby has sort of been in and out of his cave since January 17th. Is that normal? I’m confused about all this cave stuff!
Sincerely,
Caroline
Dear Lauren,
I so needed to read some of your advise.
I just met my Mr. Perfect. I had this horrible checklist that I made up in my head after my last BF and this guy, from day one, has been continually checking every line! It’s almost to good to be true. We went on a perfect 1st date, had a really long talk and he ended up staying overnight. Nothing happened, but a few days later we decided desert would be better served in bed. =) It was great. We had fun, it was a bit awkward like all first times, but we were able to laugh about it. He called me the day after and all is well and good. Now the only thing is is that we have mutual friend who we are both really close to, but we are keeping our “thing” (since I am not sure what to call it) on the low. I don’t mind showing our friends that we have become interested in each other but he seems to want to keep it somewhat quiet (not that our friends haven’t yet guessed) is this a good sign? We have seen each other once since our first night sleeping together and he hasn’t yet asked to see me! I am scared I have made some sort of mistake or…. well I don’t know! After finding out that my ex frequents the bars that my friends wanted to go to he decided that he would head home, saying he didn’t want drama (which is really good because I am sick and tiered of drama) but telling our friends that he had to work early (which he really did) Did I by chance chase him away with that information???
I guess I am not used to not knowing what someone thinks. My last BF was soooooo needy and soooooo clingy that I always knew what was on his mind. Don’t get me wrong, I HATE needy and clingy, I just don’t know whats on this guys mind and what he thinks, its hard!
Thanks!
Fran
Dear Lauren:
I am a 32 year old single mom of 3. I have been dating a 27 year old for the last 4 months. In the beginning we saw each other two to three times a week. But, for the last month it’s been just once a week…if that. In the beginning I heard from him usually every day. But, now It will be days sometimes between his texts/calls. I talked to him about it at one point and told him that I just feel like he’s not into me but he assured me that he is. He just insists that he’s so busy. He told me he wants to take things slow and go with the flow and let everything happen naturally. He also said that as soon as you put a label on things it all goes to crap. When we do see each other we have the most amazing times together. He has introduced me to his very best friends in the world and their wives. He’s not like any guy I’ve dated in the past. I’m so used to guys being all about me and wanting to see me all the time and texting/calling 30 times a day so I don’t know how to handle this one. I’m in love with him and he knows it. I just don’t know what I should do. I know for a fact he’s not seeing anyone else. He works a regular job mon-fri from 7am to 5 pm. Goes to school mon and wed evenings 6 to 10. Tues nights he has a class, thurs nights he has training for the FD AND he’s a volunteer firefighter in all of his spare time. So, I usually get to see him on Sat nights…since his schedule has become so hectic. He says that I’m chiseling away at his wall that he put up around his heart. Everyone keeps telling me to drop him. But, our chemistry is aMazing…in all aspects. Am I being dumb here?
I forgot to add that on Friday nights he works as a bouncer at a local bar. He was in a relationship for 5 years that ended about 13 months ago…it had been 9 months when he and I started seeing each other. And he’s met my kids and LOVES them and they love him too! In the beginning he wanted to meet all my friends and my family and now I don’t hear any mention of that. Is this where I cut bait and go? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
[...] I wholeheartedly recommend on this same topic, please read my good friend Lauren’s articles: “Is He Into Me Or Not?”, “Am I Too Desperate For Reassurance”, or “My Boyfriend Keeps Getting Angry With [...]
Hi Lauren,
Ive been seeing this guy for 3 months (long distance) and at the beginning of March he went into his cave, when he came back out 2 weeks later, I made the mistake giving him an ultimatum (although I didnt realize I was doing that). I told him that we could choose to be friends or pursue our relationship futher. He chose to pursue the relationship, but now I havent heard from him. Ive texted him twice and tried calling him once in the last 2 weeks…and, though a little late, I just bought your dads book and just learned about “the cave”. Ive stopped calling him now, but I was just wondering whether the 2 texts and the call will prevent him from calling me in the future?
Thanks
Ellen
Andrea-He is in his cave. Do not send him a letter. Do not contact him. Do not knock on the cave door or the dragon will eat you or best case scenario, he’ll ignore you for even longer. You’ve made your interest known. At this point he’s probably just busy and every time he does think of you, he probably feels a little guilty. And maybe a little afraid that you’ll be mad at him for taking his time returning your calls. The best thing to do is distract yourself with fun activities and lots of friends. When he does call you show him you are so happy to hear from him, do not chide him for not contacting you sooner, just be happy and appreciative. This will be extremely attractive to him and he will call you again.
Caroline-There is no time limit on the cave. Depending on the man and his particular situation (work stress, money stress, family stress) it lasts as long as it lasts. The best way to support him right now is to leave him to it. Sometimes what looks like the cave can just be a man retreating into a little bit of a depression. I recommend getting your hands on a copy of my Dad’s newest book “Venus On Fire, Mars On Ice.” It talks in depth about how men and women cope with stress and how to use supplements and lifestyle change to deal with depression and other side effects of stressful living.
Fran-Be very grateful you cannot read a man’s mind. I doubt the whole Ex thing threw him off. He might have felt a little threatened since he doesn’t quite know where he stands with you but I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s an adult and can make his own decisions, it doesn’t have to involve you. In terms of sleeping with each other so soon in your relationship, he might be pulling away because he feels he’s not ready for so much intimacy and commitment so fast. I would also recommend checking out my column that will be posted on Saturday (April 10th) for more information of the relationship risks you run when you get physical so fast.
Leeza-You are not being dumb. Just because he’s not the “typical” boyfriend and he doesn’t meet your friends’ expectations doesn’t mean you should cut him loose. He truly is doing the best he can. He’s probably let you in deeper than he has with many other people and the closer you get to him, the more fear of rejection will grow in him and he may start acting a little funny. As long as you don’t feel like you have to get married tomorrow, I say be patient with him. He’s going at his own pace and if you can stretch your expectations of a lover to accommodate his idiosyncrasies then I think it’s brilliant. If after some time you become impatient because he is not committing to you then it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Check out “Dear Lauren: I’m Dating a Commitment Phobe.”
Ellen-We ALL have made these mistakes. I am so glad you bought the book because it truly is a helpful guide. Right now your dude feels like a failure. By offering him friendship, you’ve told him that he fails as a boyfriend. I know I know. Crazy right? You just wanted some reassurance that he wants to be with in a relationship with you. Well, right about now he could use some reassurance from you. He needs to feel successful. So I agree. Its time you back off. But I don’t think it would hurt to send him an email thanking him for being your man and casually updating him on your day. You can say something like, “I love sharing my day with you. Thank you so much for being such a special part of my life.” He should know that you appreciate him. But after that email, stop communication until he crawls out the cave door.
-Lauren
Dear Lauren Is it ever possible that during the time a man goes into the cave he found another women more interesting and maybe won’t come back?
Dear Dr. Lauren…..
For some reason I was just going through some sites and it brought me to you…..
I met this man on a singles dating site, we would talk 3-4 times a day for about two weeks. From the get go I was upfront about being a bbw(big beautiful women) all my pictures were current, and I was just what he liked.
Well we finally had our first date, after he took me home I went to pick up my daughter and to my surprise he called me back to make sure I got back home ok,I told him it was nice for him to check on me, and that I didn’t know if he wanted to see me again, and his reply was of course.
It’s been a week since we have spoken, I mean from talking everyday to nothing, he is an attorney but I just don’t know what to think.
Hi Louise,
Well, its no secret that when a man really wants something and there is the danger of the hunt, his testosterone levels increase and he has endless focus and energy to pursue the chase. Once some of the danger passes, his hormones cool down a bit. Do not take this personally. “Mars and Venus on a Date” (http://www.marsvenus.com/xcart/product.php?productid=72&cat=4&page=1) explains the natural ebb and flow between attraction and ambivalence in a new relationship. Knowing and understanding how this is part of the process allows you to forge ahead without feeling hurt or unsure of yourself. You can also get more information on why men pull away through the “Men Are Like Rubber Bands” Video (http://marsvenusliving.com/mars-venus-online-library/.)
Time on Mars is different than time on Venus. Men function on the out of sight and out of mind mentality. He could have just gotten busy with work.
Then comes the next part, which I always find kind of silly: He starts feeling guilty that he hasn’t called sooner. He fears you might be angry with him and feels like he’s failed already. He doesn’t want to call you and get a guilt trip or get yelled at or worse, get some of that passive aggressive nonsense we women are so good at dishing out. But he will call or text you and when he does, be happy, receptive, and appreciative as if nothing was out of the usual. This will affirm that he can make you happy and will make him feel like a success. He will find you even more attractive than before.
If he doesn’t contact you in the next week then send him an email or text message telling him you had a really nice time with him the other day and look forward to going out again. This way he will be assured that you will be happy to see him and that it is safe to call. It’s also a sneaky little way to remind him that you exist. Men can be so good at focusing on what’s right in front of them and forgetting the rest. If he doesn’t answer, it’s time for you to move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea who appreciate a BBW!
-Lauren
Dear Lauren, i feel really lost and very much in need of your help..
I’ve known this guy in jan and we started chatting via sms and emails.
one month later, we decided to meet up with each other and realise that we have alot to talk about and share the same thinking.
After 5 weeks of knowing each other, we got together in march.
It was our first love for both of us. He is 28 and I’m 25. (i know it’s kinda old to experience first love..lol)
but as we stayed rather far away from each other, we only get to meet once per week or so. In addition, he has many friends and like to go on adventure trips (mountain climbing, rafting, etc) many times per year.
after 2 months into the relationship, i realise that we are drifting apart as we do not have a lot of private time with each other. every date was short and the topics we talked about are no longer about our future plans anymore.
it was always about his plans with his friends, where he wanted to go and to update me about the events and gatherings he’ll attend on the following week.
we used to plan the future, looking forward to marriage after i graduate from my Masters next year.
I voice out my thoughts and told him that i feel detached because we do not have enough time for each other.
on his side, he did say that the travelling to n fro to meet me was physically straining that’s why he couldn’t meet me always as well.
and we gave each other one week to think of a solution as well as to evaluate our situation.
however, within the week, i still missed him and we contact via sms and msn as well.
after a week, we met up and i told him that i can compromise and we could plan out our schedule, set aside time for friends, family and us. then we’ll know where the lost time went hence reducing my insecurity.
but for him, he think the root of the prob is not that easy.
he think’s it’s the fundemental values we have.
he says: for me, love is to give our all to be at ur side. for him, love is giving, but within limits. (he wanted his overseas adventure trips, friends gathering. and will most likely unable to put them off for love)
but i’ve already said that we can allocate personal time and time for friends as i’m not what he says. i have friends too. but i believe that i’ll put love as my priority. he always say i’m his priority as well and he’s willing to make arrangements by altering the dates of his gatherings and making up to his friends on the following week or so.
nevertheless, he says he need some time to cool off and retreat back into his cave. he needs to think things through.
we’re only together for a couple of month and it’s like for a moment, we are in love but once this disagreement issure arise, he don’t know about his feelings anymore.
he says: give me some time. after i sort out my thoughts i May come back stronger.
he says he’ll contact me, perhaps in 2 week or 1 month.
i know that the week break we had was no difference than any other week as we still did contact each other via sms and msn. hence, i suggest cutting off all contact, no sms and such, if he wanted to evaluate our relationship and whether he’ll miss me during the cave period.
but i’m so afraid that i’ll lose him. and i do treasure this relationship alot.
i’ve realise that i had changed, after thinking for 1 week, to became more clingy and dependent on him and have already told him that i’ll be myself and revert to the cheerful and bubbly me.
the last sms i sent him was to say that i’ll support him regardless of the outcome and i’ll always have feelings for him. i’ll wait patiently for him to get back to me. treasure this relationship.
and he replied: thanks for the message. I’ll remember what u say. I’m worried about you and hope u’ll take care of youself during this period. I’m not enjoying at all. We’ll both go do our thinking and i’ll contact u again. take care and be yourself
dear lauren, will this period make us drift further apart and eventually we won’t feel anything for each other anymore?
because after all, we are only together for a couple of months and our relationship is not stable yet. the issue arise due to time constraint and we are now putting in more distance between us by not seeing each other.
but for him, he says our problem will never be solved if we do not fully understand each other. even if we meet, we’ll still feel that our heart is not really there anymore as we are unsure of our own thinking and feelings at this stage. which explains why he needs time to think things through.
what should i do to save this relationship. i really do love him.
honestly, how high do you think the possibility of patching up and compromising after the cave period is?
Many thanks
Alyssa
Dear Lauren,
I have been exclusive with a guy for 2 months, we have known each other since January.
Today he had a ‘freak out’ and said he needs time alone and time to think. He said he is confused about our relationship but doesn’t know why. He also said he feels stressed out and he started to cry. I surprised myself on how calm I was.
I did cry however and I said okay I understand. I didn’t plead or beg.
He offered to drive me home, I live 40 minutes away from his house. We almost drove in silence and when I looked over at him he had tears streaming down his face. The only thing he said to me in the car was, this drive makes it seem worse than it is.
He dropped me off I told him I love him and he said just give me time. I closed the door and walked to my door, I was crying as I was walking up the drive way. I noticed he didn’t drive away straight away, he was watching me but when I turned around he started to drive off.
We have been spending a lot of time together, and looking back probably too much, I spend 4-5 days a week with him. He constantly asks me what do I want to do today, am I bored etc? And I don’t think he understands I just want to spend time with him and I want to do whatever he wants. I care about this person deeply, and I am worried we are going to break up.
It’s been less than 24 hours and I feel like I am going insane. I am trying to keep busy but there are times where I think about it and feel hurt by all this.
Is he just going into his cave or do you think it’s something else?
I am 27, he is 24.
Thank you for your time.
-Skye
Dear Lauren,
I have been dating a guy for 3 months. Everything was going great and we would see each other every week and there was definitely chemistry between us. We both expressed our feelings for each other. However, he would never call me. He always text messaged me and the texts weren’t always that frequent. It was mostly him texting me to make plans and then he would text me a few days later to confirm plans. Every so often he’d throw me a text message just to say hi.
A couple of weeks ago I had the courage to ask him where we stand because I was getting the feeling like I was just a weekend hookup since we never communicated between dates and never spoke on the phone. He felt awful that I felt that way adn reassured me that it wasn’t like that and he felt it was more. He asked me what I was looking for and I said I wasn’t looking for a committment tomorrow but I am looking for a potential relationship eventually. I asked him what he was looking for and he said a relationship as well but that he is worried about the summer beacuse he wont be around on the weekends since he has a summer sharehouse. He said he doesnt feel we’re at that “level” yet and that we’re still getting to know each other. I agreed but reassured him that I just wanted to make sure he was looking for the same thing as I was and that I was all for taking things slow.
Two days went by and I didnt hear from him but then I finally got a phone call from hima nd I was in shock that he actually picked up the phone to call. Not only that, but he called to discuss our situation more. He kept reiterating how he didnt feel we’re at that “level” yet and that we’re still getting to know each other BUT that he thinks we CAN get to that level eventually. He reassured me taht he just wanted to be honest where he stands bc he has a lot going on with his job where he’s working late all the time and so its hard for him to see me during the week at times as well. He said he wanted to be upfront as to what he can offer so that I dont think he’s being a jerk if 2 weeks goes by and I dont see him. We left off on a good note and spoke everyday the following week via text. Its been two weeks and I havent heard from him since. There was nothing said in our text message conversations that week following our “talk” that seemed like he would’ve gotten scared off. Do you think he went into his cave? Or do you think he just lost interest somehow? Its hard for me to believe someone who never called me on the phone before, would go out of their way to do so to have a conversation about where we stand, all to just disappear forever. I’m so confused!