Dear Lauren, At first the guy I was with was attentive and then he just started coming over for late night booty calls. I asked him to take me out on a date like he used to but he stood me up. I told him that was my limit and I ignored his phone calls for three months. Now we’re trying to be friends. We went to a party last night and he kept saying how good I made him look, but he got jealous when other men were looking at me. He tried “putting the moves” on me, but also kept picking fights about how mad I got over his late night visits, and how I make more money than him so he’s not really good enough for me. I can’t figure out what gives. He’s the best guy I’ve dated in a long time. Should I get back together with him? Be his friend? Apologize? - Heidi C. in Pine Hill, NJ
Dear Heidi.
He’s a baby, a lost puppy, a court jester.
Unfortunately the qualities that make him these three endearing characteristics are the same qualities that put a big LOSER sign on this guy’s forehead. He whines. He’s dependant on other people to feel happy and secure. He’s lost and confused when it comes to life, himself and women. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. He is a victim. And finally-he’s a fool.
When he says, “I’m not good enough for you,” he’s fishing. He wants your response to be, “No of course you are! I don’t care that you make less money than me and I’m sorry for getting mad at you when we were a couple. Shall we ride off into the sunset now? I’ve taken the liberty of hiring from Rent-A-Horse!”
This man has low self-esteem and needs this kind of encouragement to woo you. Unfortunately, rather than discuss these concerns with you or ideally just feel worthy enough to win you back with the classic ‘charm, wit, and poetry’ combo, he goes through the back door with this passive aggressive nonsense.
If I sound more intense than usual it’s only because I fully believe that the “victims” of the world need Help: therapy, spirituality, vision quests, whatever, NOT a girlfriend or boyfriend. I also know that women should be lovers and partners NOT babysitters, mothers, or verbal punching bags. This man is not ready for a relationship.
But enough about him, lets talk about you. I think you might have an addiction. It’s very common among women. It’s Latin name is “Loserboyfriendism.” Despite being a successful businesswoman you have insecurities when it comes to your personal, emotional, and vulnerable self. You look to a man to boost your ego rather than looking to yourself. The great thing about this addiction: there’s no cold sweats! Once you’ve identified the addiction and taken responsibility for your part in attracting this kind of man into your life, you can begin to heal and begin to attract real winners. Consider this introspection your rehab. It is time to start working on your feelings of self-worth. I know that you are busy with work, travel, family drama, maintaining friendships, errands, and chores. It really piles up…so when is there time? If you are not making yourself the number one priority than it will waste more time and energy than if you do. So be efficient about this…rent “The Secret,” meditate or something.
It is really excellent that you set your limit with this guy three months ago. Do not go back. Do not apologize. In all things, life is about moving forward. Not to say this man couldn’t grow up in 5 years and you couldn’t go back to him. As long as he has something new to offer and treats you well, you are still moving forward.
Believe me when I say that I KNOW how hard it is to find a good man. If one has even the potential to be the right guy, it’s so easy to make excuses and compromises. But by compromising you lose a sense of how wonderful you are and what you ultimately deserve. It takes time to find “the one.” But, it will happen. In the mean time, take this opportunity to work on your personal growth: spiritually, physically, and mentally. When the time is right, he will walk into the bookstore where you get your coffee or you know, something equally as fantastic and random as that.
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com –Lauren Gray
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Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce
Ten Great Places to Meet Your Soul Mate
Dear Lauren: She Has a Crush. Does He Feel the Same Way?
Dear Lauren: Am I Losing Him to His Work?
“Dear Lauren: Am I Too Clingy?”
Dear Lauren: “I Want Him to Kiss Me”
Dear Lauren: “Why Won’t Girls Take Me Seriously?”
Dear Lauren: “I’m Falling in Love with My Best Friend”
Dear Lauren: “Is He Into Me . . .or Not?”
Dear Lauren: On Again, Off Again
Dear Lauren: Why Is the Honeymoon Over?
Dear Lauren: Great Guy Online, but Won’t Meet Offline
Dear Lauren: Yes, Shy Guys Can Get the Girl
Dear Lauren: His Gal Pal Has an Eating Disorder
Martians Need to Learn the Art of the Apology
Dear Lauren: She’s Dating a Younger Guy
Dear Lauren: Best Friend, Girl Friend, or Gal Pal?
Dear Lauren: “Does College Mean We’ll Break Up?”
Dear Lauren: Long Distance Dating
Dear Lauren: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Dear Lauren: “He Won’t Commit!”
Walking Away from Intimate Violence
Why Women Won’t Say: “I Love You, Man Boy.”
Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again
Dear Lauren: Cave Time for Guys?
Reel Romance: 4 Date Night Films
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Tired of Flirting? Must Be Time to Get Serious.
So I guess what you are saying is that no he is not the one
. I agree with your advice 
!
I read it again, and I just wanted to add that you crack me up Lauren
, in addition to very good advice, your articles are so much fun to read 
!!!
Well said Ms. Lauren. Faint heart never won a fair lady. Love how you got to the point on this one! Life is to short for subprime behavior. The right one brings out your best and makes you sine brighter.
[...] Just as women commonly complain about men who don’t call back after a first date, men complain about women who want to talk about where the relationship is going, after just one or two dates. [...]
Well said Ms. Lauren. Faint heart never won a fair lady. Love how you got to the point on this one! Life is to short for subprime behavior. The right one brings out your best and makes you sine brighter.