Dear Lauren: Long Distance Dating

July 4, 2009

Dear Lauren, My problem is the following: I want to understand my BF and to save my relationship. I am not sure if I want to be with him, because sometimes I think I can’t live without him, sometimes I don’t want to bear his ignorant behavior. Now I am in the UK studying, soon I am going to finish and in two months planning to be with him again in my home country. So the problem is, now he doesn’t text me or call me. When I was back home, I saw him and everything was fine. But when I am here, he stopped messaging me at all. When I ask him why he doesn’t  pay attention to me, he just answers that he is busy too much, he forgets, whatever. Frankly, I don’t feel I’m asking too much. I don’t want to runaway after him, I want him to go after me. How can I restore previous passionate attitude: from him towards me? —Dinara, in London

Dear Dinara, You say “you can’t live without him” but you’re also sick of putting up with his shenanigans! It sounds like the old adage: can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. While many people accept this statement with a chuckle and a nod, it sounds pretty miserable to me. The secret is, once you learn to live without ’em, living with them gets a whole lot easier.

I’m talking about being self-sufficient. I’m talking about not relying on the opposite sex for all we’ve come to appreciate them for.

It’s wonderful when he calls you. It makes you feel giddy, girly, and warm all over. What a treat! The day you depend on him to call you to feel happy is the day you stop appreciating him. There is no way anyone can give you everything you want. When he fails to give you what you demand, you accuse him of actively ignoring you. You have now, along with thousands of women, inadvertently entered the world as a victim. A victim is always dissatisfied.

You are one of millions of women with the complaint “Why doesn’t he call?!” It’s a good thing to remember that for every complaining woman, there is also a guy who is totally into the girl and still doesn’t call. It’s a gender handicap.

As you said, “you are not asking much” just a li’l communication. If he were a Venusian, it wouldn’t be a problem. But He Is A Man. Most men function on the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality. Time passes quicker for him and he doesn’t feel the need for a relationship like his female counterpart would. It has zilch to do with her and everything to do with his gender.

Once you understand that his lack of communication and attention isn’t a lack of love but merely a gender handicap, then ta-dah! Mountain of compassion is born!

The good news is that you don’t have to be a wallflower or a victim of the situation. You can connect with him by sending him notes and updating him on your day. Sure it’s not as satisfying as if he started to call you all the time and sent you text messages saying, “I’m thinking about you.” But as soon as you release yourself of the expectations, you also let go of the disappointment and frustration. It’s all about redefining and understanding your options. It’s important to let him know that these are just “updates” and that you don’t expect anything in return. I bet you he’ll get all warm and fuzzy when he reads your notes. Boys can be such girls!

I want to make a clear distinction, by writing him you are not pursuing him, you are merely updating him.

Right now you sound needy. This neediness is pushing your man away. By releasing him from this pressure, you also free him from the burden of your dissatisfaction. A happy and fulfilled woman is much more attractive to her man. If you let go of your demands, he might surprise you with a cute text or two, and then it will be your turn to go all warm and fuzzy. And remember, in two months you won’t be out of sight or out of mind. You will be in his arms, and this frustration will only be a memory.

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray

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Dear Lauren: Why Is the Honeymoon Over?

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Dear Lauren: His Gal Pal Has an Eating Disorder

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Dear Lauren: “Does College Mean We’ll Break Up?”

Dear Lauren: “He Won’t Commit!”

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Dear Lauren: She Wants to Be a Virgin Again

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Dear Lauren: Cave Time for Guys?

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Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus