Dear Lauren, I’ve Had Fourteen Years of Uncertainty

February 6, 2010

Dear Lauren, I’m 32 and have been in love with the same man since I was 18! We broke up 4 years ago.  Since then we have remained close, at times intimate. When we do try our hand at other relationships we keep each other in the dark. A few months ago, however, he told me he was dating someone. I began seeing a counselor to work through this issue. This work made it clear that he is my one true love and I told him so.  He said that he will always love me and that he also loves this other woman. I feel confused and wonder how he can feel so strongly about me and still be able to make a genuine effort in his new relationship. So, should I hang on or move on? Shohreh, in Santa Fe, NM

Dear Shohreh, Ahh…to “hang on or move on?” That is a well-worded question. By waiting patiently for him you sort of hang yourself; killing any chance you have of finding a love that is equally reciprocated. By moving on, however, you give yourself a chance to find someone who will commit to you and love you exclusively. Now before you start pouting, this someone may be your guy! After I explain his behavior, I’ll show you how.

As confused as you are by his words and actions, he’s even more confused! You see, he’s got a case of the Grassisgreenerontheotherside Syndrome. As this is a technical term among professionals, I shall explain. ; ) Sometimes a person has exactly what they want right in front of them and yet they always want something else, something just out of reach. People who suffer from this condition are rarely content or at ease with their lot. To these people I recommend reading How To Get What You Want and Want What You Have. This book will help you do the work to do exactly that.

You, however, have done the personal work to gain clarity. However, this clarity that he’s “the one” may not mean exactly what you think it means. It doesn’t mean he’s the right guy for you, it does mean that you are ready to find the right guy for you. He has the potential to be “the one” if he can get over himself and realize that you are “the one” for him. Unfortunately, you have no control over this. You need to find someone who not only has potential but who is ready, now! It’s time to close this door so that another door can open.

You need to make a clean break from the current state of things. Right now the boundaries of your relationship are mushy; intimate one moment, friends the next. So far this cycle has served as a crutch and a security blanket for both of you. Neither of you commit to relationships for long because you use each other as an excuse to always have one foot out the door. This way you never really have to risk your heart. As long as you keep this up, he doesn’t have to commit to anyone. Including you.

And so to break the pattern, you need to set a clear boundary. There can be no confusion this time. Say this, “I love you. You are the best man I’ve ever known. As long as I am single I am available to you. If you can commit to me than that is wonderful. Otherwise, I’m determined to find a man who will love me the way I love him. In the mean time, I respect your relationship with this woman and I cannot be intimate with you.” You will notice that when you pull away lovingly like this, he will become more intrigued with you and more ambivalent with his current girlfriend. Because for him, “the grass is always greener” and you have provided him with the ultimate temptation: “the other side.” Under no circumstances, no matter how convincing he is, should you                 be intimate with him until he has fully committed himself to you. Do not blur the lines you’ve set. You’ve said your bit, you’ve made the terms: if he can commit to you and you alone than you will have him, otherwise you won’t.

This is the way you move on. This boundary will do one of three things. One: it will allow him the perspective to see clearly that you are the one for him. Two: It will motivate him to fully commit to the woman he is with, now that you are “off the menu.” Three: He will continue with his mushy shenanigans (trying to have a relationship with both of you) and you will see that he is not the one for you. In the mean time, date A LOT of guys because one them could be “the one,” who was truly meant for you!

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray

Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus