Dear Lauren: Why Won’t Girls Take Me Seriously?

August 1, 2009

Dear Lauren, I’m 20 years old and I’m a good-looking guy, so I know my looks are not the problem. But every time I try talking to a girl, getting close to a girl, or try to take “dating” to the next level, it never works out. I’m a funny guy, fairly wise, very goal oriented, and I’m very social. But the bottom line is, I’m just not very good with “relationships” or dating in general. Also, I don’t really know how to spark a conversation. Can you help give me a clue on how to be more successful with the ladies? -Dustin, Houston, TX

Hey there Dustin,

Right now you are a Peacock. You are flaunting each bright feather for the ladies to see and admire: good looks, funny, smart, goal-oriented, social. It sounds like you’ve been putting on a pretty good show. So why don’t they bite?

Initially the bright feathers may attract a girl’s attention. Unfortunately, unlike the animal kingdom, human chicks need more than a show to keep them involved in anything deeper than a surface flirt. You’ve got the first step down. It’s in “trying to take dating to the next level” that you need some help

Martians know if they are attracted to a woman the moment they lay eyes on her. It’s an immediate reaction and opinion that men take for granted. You naturally assume Venusians work the same way. However, we are completely different. Good looks means very little to us when it comes to relationships and attraction. A woman can recognize a man is good looking and still not be attracted to him. What?! It’s true. On the other hand, a woman can think a guy is not good looking but with time she may well see him as the most handsome man in the world. You see, women need another piece of the puzzle in order for their attraction to grow.

Dating is not a job interview where you must list your strengths and minimize your weaknesses in order to get the gig. It’s not so much about what you say as how you listen. Just the simple act of listening to a woman and being interested in what she says can earn you brownie points.

“Brownie points” is how a woman calculates her attraction to a man. You earn enough, you get a kiss. You earn some more; she goes to an action movie with you that she didn’t really want to see. You earn some more and she might dress up in a sexy little costume for you. See how it works?

It’s not about showing off as much as it is about paying attention to her. When you are in the spotlight, showing her what a great catch you are, you are blinded to your audience. You could be dumpy, an average Joe Shmo, but if you put her in your spotlight then she will fall for you. Pay attention to what she says. If she has let slip her favorite flower, buy her one or pick her one. It doesn’t need to be a bouquet. It’s not about how much money you spend or how big the gift is. It’s the fact that you were listening and paying attention that will earn you brownie points.

When you are on a date, ask her questions, open her doors, pay for ice-cream or dinner. Be a gentleman and above all respect her. This doesn’t mean be stiff or boring or anything that is not you. It just means adding a little game to your repertoire. Chicks dig chivalry.

Now you’ve got the first step: Peacock, and the third step: Pay attention to her on your date.  But what about the second? The second step is sparking the conversation that will lead you to ask her out in the first place. I wish I could offer you the worlds greatest fool-proof pick up line but for that I recommend Mystery’s show “The Pick Up Artist.” I can, however, give you a couple of examples that you could take advantage of. Say you are at a car show, or a museum or any event where something is on display. You can approach the girl from the side (not too close) and say something like “what do you think about this one?” When she answers, “I don’t like it or I like it” go ahead and agree with her. If you really don’t agree and you just cant fake it, then at least say you don’t in a respectful and funny way. Then introduce yourself and shake hands. You are now in. Can you see how you could apply this to other situations? The key is to not come on strong and in fact appear like you are not coming on at all. You are merely asking her opinion on something. You acknowledge that opinion as something of value and you are already putting her in the spotlight. Only when she is at ease with you, laughing and perhaps playing with her hair, should you begin to show interest and ask her out to get some ice-cream or coffee.

Relationship ABC’s easy as one, two, three. Go get ‘em hot stuff!

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray

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Other MVL Articles about Dating, Singles and Divorce

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Dear Lauren: “Is He Into Me . . .or Not?”

Dear Lauren: On Again, Off Again

Dear Lauren: Why Is the Honeymoon Over?

Dear Lauren: Yes, Shy Guys Can Get the Girl

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Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus