Dear Lauren: I’m Heartbroken and Need Your Advice

Dear Lauren, I am in a long distance relationship. Before he left we committed to spending our lives together. It was great! We emailed and web chated everyday; we even planned my visit to see him. But the lack of communication grew day by day. After about a month, I ended it through a breakup letter expressing my hurt. I basically asked how anyone who truly loved me could exclude me like this and be this inconsiderate of my feelings?  He called once but I missed it. Since then, he hasn’t contacted me. If he really wanted to, he would have tried calling several times. Shouldn’t he at least send me some kind of response to give me closure? Dee in Bristol, Tennessee

Dear Dee, I understand how your impulses lead you to take this action. As trained as I am in Mars/Venus protocol, there is always the tiny voice inside me that speaks up when I’m not getting enough attention. It says, “Walk away…really dramatically! If I threaten to leave him then he’ll have to run after me. He’ll make a big show of how much he loves me to win me back.” Unfortunately, this is a crazy voice and should, under every circumstance, be ignored! It is immature, catty, manipulative, and most of all, disappointing, because it never yields what you want it to. All it does is push the other person away. You wanted him to call you but you ended it. You want him to give you closure but you didn’t give him a chance; he was dumped by a letter. At this point he is hurt and confused. He figures if you wanted to work things out you would open the door of communication again. You are, after all, the one that closed the door.

I’d like you to read my column “Dear Lauren: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.” It’s important to distinguish between a “feeling letter” and a “breakup letter.” I’ve experienced the feelings of neglect and hurt that can arise in a long distance relationship. I’ve heard my tiny crazy voice throw a tantrum. It’s totally okay to experience these feelings. It’s important to acknowledge them and give them a chance to be heard. However, they are NOT to be heard by your partner. They are to be shared between your pen and paper. My column offers specific “feeling letter” guidelines that will help you process your “tantrum” in a productive and healing way. A “breakup letter,” on the other hand, is a letter that solely expresses what you are grateful for: to him and to the time you’ve spent together. This is the letter you give to him and with it you say goodbye. You don’t expect anything in return. The process of writing the letter itself gives you the closure you desire.

Now that we’ve made this distinction, try writing a proper feeling letter. Really let yourself go wild! Sometimes after writing one of these bad boys you feel even more confirmed in your love than you did before. Feeling letters and breakup letters do not always go hand in hand. In fact, I owe a lot of my happiness and success in my relationships to the feeling letter. It allows me to process all my negative emotions so that I can live in the positive with my partner. If, after a good college try, you find yourself wanting to continue in this relationship, I suggest you open the communication door with an apology. None of this passive aggressive nonsense like “I’m sorry I can’t be happy in a one-sided relationship.” Or my favorite, “I’m sorry BUT…you should’ve been a better boyfriend.” Those aren’t real apologies. Step up your game. Say something like, “I’m sorry I sent you that letter. The feelings of insecurity are real and I needed to express and process them but I should not have put that on you. My actions were misguided. The most important thing is that I love you. I love being in a relationship with you and I hope that you can forgive me.” This should patch things up. Most men are very forgiving creatures. They are willing to overlook a whole dose of crazy just for the sake of love.

In terms of relationship maintenance, check out “Dear Lauren: Long Distance Dating” for tips on how to feel fulfilled in your relationship when your man is not calling enough. No one said LDR’s were easy, but once in awhile they’re totally worth it! Good luck Dee!

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray