Dear Lauren: My Boyfriend’s Jealousy is Over the Top

Dear Lauren, Two months into my relationship, my boyfriend looked through all my text messages while I was sleeping. He found an old one from my ex. Three months later he went through all my emails and found a few from male friends. I have an extremely suspicious boyfriend. I have explained everything to him but he calls me deceitful, a liar, and untrustworthy. I was outside at a party with a bunch of people and I put my arm around my friend’s husband. My boyfriend saw us.  I didn’t think anything of it. Then three days later he told me I had humiliated him in front of all those people!  Is it me?  Am I wrong?  Is it unacceptable behavior to hug another person? I really like this guy. What do I do? Confused and upset in Medina, Ohio

Dear Confused, Before we get into the why’s and what to do’s, I want to say upfront that it is completely acceptable behavior to hug another person. In fact, I believe the world needs more hugging. There is, however, a friend-appropriate hug and a hug that should be saved for the person you are intimate with. Friend hug: pelvises stay a good 6 inches apart. “Sleeping” buddy hug: pelvises enjoy intimate contact. Keep that pelvis away from your friend’s husband’s and you are golden!

As to the suspicious boyfriend, we need to look at what type of jealous man he is. Some men and women are so insecure that rather than appreciating what they have, they hoard it for themselves and hide it away from the world. While this “worked” for Scrooge and his money, it definitely doesn’t work for people. Sometimes these men and women have experienced betrayal in a past relationship where their partner has cheated on them. This gives them “a rational reason” for being paranoid. It also gives them tunnel vision. They don’t want the wool pulled over their eyes again so instead they are constantly looking for what they don’t want to find. If this person is so insecure that they do not feel they deserve love and loyalty, than they will always assume the worst.

The tendency to not trust you will ultimately escalate to him trying to control you. In every monogamous relationship, your partner holds some control over you. This is why we don’t sleep around when we have promised monogamy. But in this case, I’m talking about unreasonable control. Like the crazy kind you see on those lifetime original movies. He may start by asking you where you are going out to and then ask if you would just stay home instead. When you choose to leave, he may get very angry with you. He may not let you leave the house if you are wearing something he doesn’t approve of. Whatever. At first you may go along with this. After all it’s not a big deal. Then bang! Before you know it you are stuck in an abusive relationship. Insecure control freaks are just impossible to live with. So walk away before it gets nasty.

On the other hand, some men are just bulls in a china shop. They will cause a whole lot of damage unless you set up some boundaries or in this metaphor, a freakin bullpen!

With a little detective work and some trial and error it is easy to pin point which man your boyfriend is. It is all about setting your limits and outlining your boundaries. You have to teach him what is acceptable and what is not. When he looks through your email, let him know that it is not acceptable behavior to look through your stuff. Everyone deserves privacy. Our government might not always respect it, but by golly, our boyfriends should! Next time he gets his panties in a bundle over you hugging a friend, teach him that there is a big difference between flirting and being friendly. You can say, “I understand you are upset when I am affectionate with my male friends and you may feel ignored. I want to assure you that you are way more important to me.  I do nothing inappropriate with them. Next time you are uncomfortable with how I am acting, you can go somewhere else.” If he fights you on this and tells you that you humiliate him, do not succumb. A bull in a china shop will probably kick at you a few times before he walks peacefully into his pen. Show him who is boss. Stay strong and always set your boundaries!

It only gets dysfunctional when he absolutely does not respect the limits you have set. If you catch him snooping or if he overreacts to you hugging someone again, then he is an insecure control freak. No matter how good he is in bed, I want you to steal the words of Rizzo from Grease, “Let me be, keep that pelvis FAR from me!”

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I’m a  doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com –Lauren Gray