Written on May 9, 2009 at 1:01 am by LGray

Dear Lauren: Is the Honeymoon Permanently Over?

Filed under Ask Lauren, Dating no comments

Is the honeymoon over? Maybe it started too soon...

Dear Lauren, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 3 years and its getting rough. We are still very much in love but I find myself being irritated with him all the time, taking him for granted and not appreciating him like I used to. I watch myself be pissy with him and its like I can’t control it. What’s going on? How can I make it like it used to be? – 23 in California

Wow, three years in the honeymoon phase! I’m impressed. If you’re 23-years-old, I’m assuming you went straight from your parents house to college to living with a boyfriend. If that’s the case, then you haven’t really had time alone to figure out who you are independent of family or boyfriends. Sometimes it just takes some time on your own, taking care of yourself, to really appreciate all that your man does for you.
My dad always says that a partner should be the dessert. Its your job to make yourself happy; to fill your “life stomach” with friends and hobbies and little tricks that brighten your day like burning candles or playing music or making pancakes for one. Your partner is the little sweet that you get at the end of the day. You can live happy without it but damn it tastes good. When you look to your honey for the extras and not the main sustenance…its easier to appreciate everything he gives you.

Boys wanna make us girls happy. If you do all you can to make yourself happy. Then you can fully appreciate the little things he adds to your life, like flowers or a compliment or folding your laundry (no matter how wrinkly your shirts end up that week.)

Sometimes after we are with a partner for a while the lines and boundaries between you can turn to mush. Suddenly its two halves make a whole rather than two independent young people coming together to make something even more beautiful. I say young people because as you get older your sense of self usually evolves to something a little more reliable. Young persons grow and change and expand so quickly that if we are attached to another “half” during that evolution, sometimes we can lose who we are. Learning who we are and what we like is our biggest tool for making ourselves happy.

So my advice to you is to take a trip for a couple months. Being alone is really uncomfortable for some people but all that discomfort really pays off. Being alone is the best way to learn to take care of yourself. Go somewhere fun. Build houses in South America. Go on a camping tour of America’s national parks. Or just lease another apartment for a couple months.

Wherever you go, you’ll miss him. But when you come back to living with him, you will be armed with a stronger sense of self and stronger sense of what you can do to make yourself happy. The little things that pissed you off won’t irritate you like they used to and the little things he does to brighten your day will no longer go unnoticed. When he sweeps the kitchen floor he’s really saying “I love you” – and your dessert will taste that much sweeter.

_________________________________________________

Lauren Gray I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at comments@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray