Dear Lauren: My Boyfriend Keeps Getting Angry With Me!
December 12, 2009
Dear Lauren, I’m 22 and my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. Recently I’ve been making him mad. I want to give him my care and concern, but he feels I invade his life. He’ll log off his IM immediately when I come on. After a couple of days of me apologizing he acts like nothing happened. I ask him if he stopped loving me or if he wants to break up, he just say’s “lets drop the topic.” He doesn’t break up with me, but I feel desperate about his attitude. I asked, “Do you hate me?” He responds, “Stop whining.” I don’t get it, I ask about his feelings and he thinks I’m complaining about him? What should I do to make him open his heart and communicate with me? What should I do to keep this relationship fresh before we meet again? Megan, in Lodi, CA
Dear Megan, Long distance relationships are just…hard. I know it’s frustrating and you are not alone in these feelings. In an ideal relationship, a couple will have time together and time apart. You feel that since you are not physically together, it is all the time apart. He feels, since you talk every night, that he doesn’t get a break. This leads to you wanting more and him feeling like he’s due for some cave time. Also when a man is in a relationship he feels most happy and most successful when he is physically doing things to make his lady happy. In a long distance scenario, he can’t really DO anything. I know, all he needs to do is “open up and talk.” But from his perspective, that’s like suddenly expecting him to sing opera. It couldn’t be further from what he’s good at. Now that we’ve set up the challenge and you know both parties are legit in their frustrations, let’s move on to your good intentioned faux pas…shall we?
First off, I understand your desire to give him your care and concern. On Venus this is totally acceptable behavior. In fact, women sometimes find it insulting if you don’t worry about them. But on Mars, it is the highest form of disrespect. A man figures, if you love him then you would trust him to handle his affairs and solve his problems. Only someone who thought so little of him would express concern or worry for his well-being. (Of course, mothers are off the hook in this case. Every man can translate “mother concern” to “mother love.” But the translate button just isn’t on when it comes to girlfriends. And most men are not looking for their girlfriends to be their second moms.) When you express your worry to him, he feels like you are up his butt and around the corner. So let him be. When he tells you about a challenge he faced that day or maybe he just sounds grumpy about something, you can say, “Wow that’s sounds tough. I know you’ll be able to handle it. You’re the (pick one: smartest, strongest, bravest, toughest, cleverest) man I know. You’ll kill it out there.” Suddenly he’ll switch from being mad at you to feeling like he might want to talk some more about it. Just try it.
Secondly, when you say things like, “Have you stopped loving me?” or “Do you hate me?” he hears that you are indeed complaining about him! Because if he was doing his job right and making you feel happy and loved then you wouldn’t be asking him these questions. See? So drop the questions. It’s just indulgent insecurity that makes you ask them in the first place. And it hurts him to hear them. But please, now that you know this, don’t apologize! Take a page out of his book and go back to the relationship like nothing happened. Trust that he loves you and let him know how loved you feel when he messages you. Let him know how happy he makes you when he listens to you talk about your day. (Just like when a puppy does something good you say, “good dog!” When your man does something you like, let him know how much you appreciate it.)
Just by trusting him to handle his life, avoiding asking insecure questions, and letting him know what a great job he’s doing, you will help him to open up and communicate. But don’t go expecting the moon and the stars; he’s still a man. Men are great doers, not great talkers.
Check out my Long Distance Dating column for tips on how to keep the connection fresh without appearing needy. Good luck Megan. Stay busy and fill your life with friends and fun activities. The time you two are apart will be over before you know it.
Posted in Dating, –Guys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus
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December 12th, 2009 at 7:00 PM
Great Advice! As a guy I can definitely vouch that what Lauren says here about us men are right on. At least this has been my experience. And I don’t think even mom’s are off the hook when it comes to men trying to translate “motherly concern” to “motherly love”.
I remember when I was growing up that I often got really frustrated as I was wondering why my mom was worrying so much about me. It used to drive me crazy when I had moved out of our house and she would call and ask if I had done laundry or gone grocery shopping. It was not until later in life that I realized that she was doing it all to show how much she loved and cared for me.
Good luck Megan!
December 12th, 2009 at 9:47 PM
Hahahaha…yeah. I know what you mean. I tried to throw the Moms a bone but you’re right. In my head, when I wrote that, I was picturing the grown up Man who can roll his eyes and say “yeah, thats just Mom being Mom.” But I agree, when you are young, the last thing you want is “mothering.” Thanks for the clarification Mikko. I always appreciate your comments.
January 30th, 2010 at 3:43 AM
dear Lauren,
thanks so much for your answer to Megan’s question. I was so confused about my boyfriend’s behavior too recently and Megan’s story relates to me so much. I have known about this cave thing from mars n venus book long time ago, but still when it’s really happening, it’s so difficult to just do it. im glad i came back to you about this.
Much love,
A
February 4th, 2010 at 3:15 PM
I hear a lot of talk about the cave and although I know the cave theory exists, I just want to tell you ladies that you should never allow yourselves to be disrespected by a man. When a man tells you to “stop your whining” or says “lets just drop it” he is acting as though your feelings mean nothing to him and that’s totally unacceptable…..cave or not! If you have a man in your life that cant or wont respect you then please move on and find another man that will. Life is too short and there are many great men out there that truly do know what respect is and practice it. Don’t settle for less as I did in my past relationship for so long. Often times disrespect such as this escalates and turns into verbal abuse and sometimes even physical abuse. Please beware and demand RESPECT!!!!!
February 9th, 2010 at 12:39 PM
Thank you Andrea for your perspective and empowering words. I absolutely believe that when communication becomes abusive it is time to GET OUT!
I just want to make sure that we women do not jump to the conclusion that when he says “lets drop it” he is intentionally disrespecting you. Often times he just doesn’t know how his words effect you. Sharing feelings isn’t as important to him so he doesn’t get that it’s important to you. If a woman gets mad and moves on every time a Martian doesn’t act like a Venutian then she will find herself awfully lonely. The reason my Dad created the catch phrase “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” is to demonstrate that we and our ways are literally ALIEN to each other!
I urge women to understand cave time because without the struggle to accept and respect the fact that men process things by shutting down and pulling away, we are, in fact, disrespecting THEM. The exact thing we accuse them of doing to us. Men struggle to accept and respect our need to process through talking. When he says, “lets drop it,” he most likely does not intend to disrespect you. He just doesn’t get WHY you’re still talking; especially when you don’t want to hear his advice! (For more information on why men use the phrase “lets drop it” check out my column “Dear Lauren: Am I Too Needy For Reassurance?” which will be posted next saturday.)
Rather than say goodbye to these men who make these blunders, try to understand them. Your understanding and patience for him will allow and motivate him to understand and respect the different ways that YOU do things. The Mars Venus material is here to help us understand our differences. When we understand each other we can live together in love and MUTUAL respect.
February 13th, 2010 at 4:07 AM
[...] Jennifer, Yes. Yes your neediness can and eventually will push him away. Check out “Dear Lauren: My Boyfriend Keeps Getting Angry With Me!” for more information on what a man will hear when you seek reassurance about his love for [...]