Dear Lauren: What Do Girls Want in a Guy?

January 23, 2010

Dear Lauren, I am 22 years old and I am overweight. A year ago I tried to lose weight and girls were attracted to me. I gained weight again and lost my confidence. I feel intimidated to even ask a girl to be my friend. I have started again to lose weight so that I can look handsome. Please, tell me, what do girls want in a guy? Also, how can I make myself more confident? Nadeem in Ft. Wayne, Indiana

Dear Nadeem, Hmmm…what do girls want in a guy? They say there is someone for everyone, so it must vary. Every woman has, what we call, a “type.” Physically, this could be anything from short, stocky, and blond to tall, dark and…slim. You thought I was going to say handsome, didn’t you? Well, here’s the catch: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A man knows if he’s attracted to a woman the moment he lays eyes on her. However, a woman will grow more physically attracted to a man the more emotionally connected she becomes. Hence another popular saying: friendship first.

I, personally, have been in long-term relationships with men who I originally did not find at all attractive. You see, I had a type and some guys definitely didn’t fit it. Well, rules are meant to be broken. Especially the rules and restrictions we put on ourselves. Our self-made rules are, I believe, are destined to be broken. The only way that can happen is if a man shows a woman friendship first. With no pressure of a relationship looming over her head, a woman can learn who you are and safely form a growing attraction to you.

The tricky part is, you don’t want to fall into the dreaded “friend zone.” I’m sure you’ve heard of this place. It’s a warm, fuzzy, and ultimately disappointing place where she sees you more like a brother than a lover. Once you’ve crossed familial lines there is little chance you’ll cross back. The type system is a hard one to crack but here’s my best advice on the subject. Court her: subtly and slowly. Plan nights out. At first it may be with a group of people and when she becomes comfortable with you, gradually start “hanging out” one on one. But don’t get sucked into being casual with your “hanging out,” always plan and, even better, surprise her with something. The fact that you spend time and energy planning fun excursions shows her that you are interested AND it sweeps her off her feet without her self-made rules getting in your way. Sometimes good men will follow this system and still slip through the cracks to land in the dreaded friend zone. But you just gotta think, dating is like fishing. You put out a bunch of lines hoping one will catch. It’s no coincidence they say there is plenty of fish in the sea.

You ask, what do women want? You can gush about what women want til the cows come home but the truth is: women are fickle. No matter how many opinions we have on the subject, WE don’t know what we want! I can’t tell you how many happily married couples I know, where the woman says, “I had never dated anyone like him before in my life!” At first she was resistant to him because he wasn’t her type but he wore her down and now she lives the fairy tale life. So, please, forget about what girls want. All you can do is work to feel good about yourself. A person with self-worth is always worth loving.

Which leads us to your final question. How do you make yourself confidant? To which I ask: what are you good at? Immerse yourself in it; the acknowledgement you get for it will boost your self-esteem. Also, read “Dear Lauren: Shy Guys Can Get the Girls” for a more thorough explanation of how to be confidant with a girl. But remember, when it comes to getting your girl, don’t flaunt what you’re good at, your confidence attracts her initial attention but beyond that, it’s all about giving her attention. Read “Dear Lauren: Why Won’t Girls Take Me Seriously?” for a step-by-step guide to getting the girl. In fact, while I’m giving you homework, read as much Mars-Venus material as you can, like “Mars and Venus on Date” because the more you know about how women work, the less intimidating women become to you. Suddenly, the mountain becomes a molehill. Good luck Nadeem! With a little research, you sir, are about to become a stud! : )

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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray