Dear Lauren, in a long distance relationship does email count for being as good as a phone call? My women friends assume that emails are impersonal and that it means the man is uninterested. Here are the facts: we have a 48 year-old airline captain based in Hong Kong who communicates mainly through email to his 29 year- old girlfriend. Can you help women understand why men prefer emails rather than phone call? Bituin, Roxas City, Philippines.
Dear Bituin, Great question! Emails are more comfortable and more suited to the way that men’s brains are designed to communicate. I know it sounds silly to us, but a consistent challenge for men is knowing how long a conversation is supposed to last. Not only that, but they struggle to know how to end a conversation without sounding cold, abrupt, or indifferent. Add that awkward consideration to the fact that, quite honestly, in a “lets catch up” chitchat situation, he doesn’t really know what to say in the first place!
You see, for men, communication is solely meant to convey information. Men don’t “get” chitchat because they like to get to the point. Some women right now are thinking, “Hey, I like to get to the point too!” I’m right there with you sister. The important distinction to make, however, is that while women might enjoy getting to the point, we also use communication to feel connected and to bond with someone. For us, communication serves two purposes: to convey information, but also to connect and bond with another person. Men, on the other hand, do not bond over talking. Men bond over shared physical experiences: going to the movies, river rafting, Vegas vacations, etc. A man bonds with a woman specifically, when he is actively providing her with some kind of help and support. In a long distance relationship the best action he can take to support her is to call her and talk. Unfortunately, not only does he not know this, he also has no idea what to say! Here in lies one of the classic struggles for men and women in long distance relationships.
In a man’s world, if you’re not physically doing something with your partner, they easily slip out of sight, and out of mind. Thus time passes more quickly for a man in an LDR than for a woman. At odd times he does find he’d like to connect, he either writes an email with whatever it is he has to report or he rereads one of yours. It is still an exchange of information. Men only bond through communication when they are fixing something. Not through sharing but through fixing. I know it drives us up the wall when we are sharing and he keeps coming up with solutions but if you really want to throw him a bone, ask for his advice on a challenge you are facing. He will feel more connected to you in that moment and it will aid in motivating him to experience that feeling again through a phone call.
In a woman’s world, sharing words and stories not only conveys information but also reveals who someone is. The more words involved the better the connection is to that person. On top of this, the act of listening and being heard is experienced as an act of intimacy. This is why a phone call is so much more fulfilling for a woman and a man gets far more brownie points for a phone call than an email. It’s important for men to understand that they are not weighed equally.
Women: it is in your power to create a system where not only do you get what you want but you give him the opportunity to excel in something he’s not good at. That’s a win-win in my book! The first step is to establish how long the conversation will last. If there is an end in sight he will be more equipped to handle the chitchat. Say something like, “I would love it if we could have a 10-minute conversation. Sharing my day with you makes me feel so happy! You don’t have to say anything, just listen.” By establishing a time limit you free him from his “how do I end this?” conundrum. By asking him to listen and not talk, you release him from the pressure to come up with something to say. Men flourish when they have a job. Now that you’ve clarified his job description, you’ve given him the chance to succeed.
For more information on “talking” between the genders grab a copy of Why Mars and Venus Collide and flip to chapter 9: “Talking About Feelings In A Fight Free Zone.”
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I’m a doctor of psychology once removed: I’m John Gray’s daughter, so lets just say relationship know-how runs in my genes. Since the day I hit puberty, friends and acquaintances have come to me for advice. Twelve years later I’m finally making my skills available to the public. Finally! Dad’s brilliant and all, but sometimes it takes someone a little younger to really grasp the issues that are relevant to young people today. I look forward to giving you whatever help I can. Email me here at lauren@marsvenusliving.com. –Lauren Gray
Great timely advice Lauren!! Hmmm… and a good reminder for myself
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Dear Lauren!
Thank you so much for your reponse. I will take everything you explained by heart and learn from hereon. I’d also keep in mind to celebrate and cherish a man’s every act of kindness. This greatly helped me to be more understanding and accepting of gender differences. I am sure to come back here for more. God speed!
Your advice is good. But there’s also this: My husband and I communicated a lot via email when we first met — long emails all about who we were, asking questions and getting frank answers that would have been difficult via phone or in person. We each had a chance to mull over what we wanted to say and how we wanted to say it and reflect on what the other said. Before we were even emotionally committed, we knew a lot about each other from those emails. Via phone, those questions might have been difficult to bring up and the nuances of hesitation, words not said, etc. might have doomed the relationship. Anyway, to this day, he sends me e-cards, email love notes, etc. It works!
Lauren:
It would be a wonderful world if more women would use this approach. When I have a woman tell me she just wants me to listen and that will make her happy, I think “Man I am home free. I don’t have to fix anything here. I can just be attentive, nod, smile, and I score points! Wahoo!” When I am reminded, because it is what I am hard-wired to do, that I don’t need to fix anything, I think, “What a woman! She knows I am obtuse about this and is willinging to set the playing field in a non-judgemental way.”