Getting Martians to Understand Boundaries in the Office

April 15, 2009

You should never feel trapped in your job, physically or emotionally.

Note to Readers: This is the second story in an ongoing series on sexual harassment in the workplace. In yesterday’s article we gave updated statistics on the number of complaints filed claiming sexual harassment. The good news: claims filed over the passed decade are trending downward. The bad news: it appears that the vast majority of sexual harassment acts in the workplace, perhaps over 80%, still go unreported. In this second story we will consider ways to deflect and hopefully diffuse sexual harassment in its earliest stages.

Sexual harassment in the workplace can take many forms. As we previously discussed, complaints filed by males are on the rise while complaints filed by female workers, a much larger number in gross, have been trending steadily downward. Males also have an interesting split claiming that approximately 60% of the harassment comes from women, and 40% from other males. In the case of females harassment complaints have been nearly 100% directed at male colleagues.

As is the case with the Mars/Venus difference in general communication between the sexes, women will hear a “no” or sense a boundary coming from men where there is no boundary intended, and men will not sense a boundary being set by women when one is actually there.

Example: much of the Venusian culture is based on sharing. By example, that is shown when four women take care to pay their fair share of a restaurant bill, whereas four males will simply throw money down supposedly not caring whether the bill was divided fairly or not.

Life on Mars is primarily competitive. In the division of that bill, for example, no male wants to appear like he has less money than his pals.

To stand out in a crowd of men, you have to be louder and more aggressive than the other males around you. In a culture like that boundaries must be set in a definitive manner. A “No” on Mars is often conditional in nature. A “no,” can be interpreted as a “Not now, but perhaps later.” The Martian orientation in certain situations can be expressed by this simple thought: “Take whatever you can get.”

Whereas on Venus ,where sharing and the feelings of others has greater importance, the phrase “Not now,” can be heard as, “Never.”

Now it would be unfair, and obviously an oversimplification, to suggest that this male behavior is similar across the board, particularly as it pertains to something as sensitive as sexual harassment. Nevertheless, it is important to understand that males commonly hear stated boundaries as a conditional advisory that may change over the coming weeks and months. And when a woman is hesitant or subtle in setting a limit, a male will often conclude that she is indefinite, and he will persist until that boundary is stated in a far more definitive manner.

As for the politics of the difficult task of derailing the improper advances of a male, who is also your supervisor, remember that it is most effective to simply repeat a boundary, and do so, if possible, in a non-emotional manner. By expressing annoyance or anger, a woman will only make a man more defensive, whereas a non-emotional response meets his need to feel accepted at a time when he is being rejected.

Someone might read this and think “Why doesn’t she just report this behavior immediately? You should never have to say ‘No’ more than once.” That’s a legitimate point. The truth, however, is found in the numbers: it appears that 80% or more of various acts of sexual harassment go unreported.

If that number is indeed correct, and certainly it appears to be, then being armed with tools for assertive communication with male co-workers may be of great value in helping to diffuse an explosive situation before it gets out of control.

Next week, in a future workplace article, we’ll return to this topic with a discussion on distinguishing between inappropriate behavior that is annoying and abusive sexual harassment that is criminal.

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Other MarsVenusLiving.com  Workplace Articles

Pedaling Your Way to a Fresh Start

Giving and Receiving Support in the Workplace

Office Romances: An Unexpected Fringe Benefit

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Mars and Venus in the Workplace

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